If you’re thinking about ending your relationship, you need to read this first
I recently discovered that when you and your partner are happy, every time can be go time. My husband and I moved in together right after we tied the knot. It was all we wanted for a long time. Those long late night conversations and sneaked in Skype calls at work were not cutting it. When we fought it took a hard toll on us and when we smoothed things over, the sex was phenomenal to say the least. It was that crazy,amazing, make up sex that makes you wonder if everyone else knows what just happened, what you’re thinking about and that night you sleep with a big fat smile on your face replaying those moments over and over.
When we got married of course the initial excitement of moving in was there for a few weeks. Moving my clothes into his wardrobe and sleeping on ‘my side’ of the bed became a thing. We shared breakfast and I made him lunch. There’s a lot that goes into moving that I won’t cover right now but let’s just say that being that close to someone needs some time to adjust. Many new changes that happened all at once was overwhelming and life as I had known it changed. I had a new title, new home, new life and a new baby on the way. The first year had a lot of downs and some really high highs.
Our first Christmas together was a notable high, celebrating his birthday with his family and crossing over into the new year at his parents house were some unforgettable times. Everything was new to us and what came as a result of our bickering was the fighting. “You don’t kiss me anymore”, “I miss your hugs!” went from playful nagging to signs of neglect and if you’re already unhappy it’s just fuel to the fire.He also made it clear severally in an angry,hurt tone “Don’t do it if you don’t want to” (cooking and cleaning). Then came the long periods of silence, and forced politeness. Followed by defeated politeness and the absolute silence that ensured we avoid talking about the underlying problem.
We would make up for a few days then fight about something so small just because our solution was a band aid on a broken leg and what we really needed was to get a metaphorical X-ray to check where the bone was broken. I was extremely sensitive to whatever he’d say and so was he. A facial gesture or body language was often misunderstood. We were reading rejection just because our wounds were still fresh. If he said something like a joke I took it personally and if I did or didn’t do something he assumed I was trying to communicate something and often it was a negative interpretation.
It was exhausting.
This went on for a long time and we constantly mentioned it to one another in a passive aggressive manner just because we’re both highly emotional people. I’ve seen my man shed tears for me and get so angry and disgruntled that he wouldn’t eat for days. I didn’t know whether to be flattered or worried or both. I’m not the kind who eats a lot when I have a problem, I prefer to sleep but regardless of what I was going through I ate.
One morning we had difficulty communicating. It’s not that we’d fought it’s that our relationship was really falling apart; but I think something inside both of us either snapped or snapped back. It’s like we made an unspoken agreement. No more. I’ve heard that when neither partner cares you know the relationship is over. Right now I can testify and use my relationship as an example. When you don’t know how to communicate anymore or you don’t know why you’re fighting you need to do something and fast.
Perhaps it’s because we were seriously considering separation and contemplating our worlds without each other and what that would mean for our family, that made us sober up. It could also be that we simply deeply loved each other and wanted to make it work. Even if we didn’t understand each other half of the time; for us it was enough to try for the umpteenths time to talk about it and really figure things out.
Our first anniversary was nothing special. We actually fell out that day and I think that’s what prompted our discussion. Good news, we managed to reach each other. I feel like my faith in us has been renewed and am just ready for whatever life throws our way. I remember using work as an escape where I could just forget about the chaos that was my relationship and now, I can’t wait to see him. When I wake up in the morning I scooch closer to him for a cuddle and relish in the warmth of his body. We smile and laugh because we have reclaimed what we thought was lost. It was a hard first year but our choice not to give up is what has saved us and will probably keep saving us.
We went from an almost no sex marriage to sex almost every night. I look forward to it! Which also comes as a surprise to me because when our marriage was on the rocks I was always tired or not in the mood. I rebuffed his initiation of sex and to me the reasons were always genuine.I have now come to the conclusion that our lack of emotional connection was the root cause of our lack of sex.
No one says marriage is easy. Actually the institution of marriage has so many nay sayers that many couples either get divorced within the first five years of marriage or are too afraid to get married altogether. We don’t believe in it anymore or in commitment.If you’re a romantic like me you still believe in love and the traditional way of doing things. Maybe you even did the unbelievable and married young. All said and done, the secret I have learned? Communication is the key to a happy marriage. I’d say just focus on each other. Don’t try to be like couple x or do what couple y did. Don’t leave if you don’t have to. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Its greener where you water it.
