She Deserves So Much (and More)
Imagine turning 18 years old and instead of getting a party, the door to your life closes. Your caseworker who has been the only constant in your life until this point tells you, “you’re too old, you’ve aged-out of foster care.” The wind is knocked out of you with these words. Whether or not you loved your old life, you have now lost even the slightest sense of security: the bed you slept in, the place you kept your few possessions, and the people you came to know. You are now completely alone in the world.
This past weekend, I enjoyed the company of a couple young women of HER Resiliency Center over lunch. Julie,* age 22, said, “I wish they gave us $10,000 or some amount when we left foster care. Something to pay rent with.” She said that upon leaving foster care she was given $1,000 in Target gift cards.
Her complaint?
“Where am I going to put the stuff from Target, if I have no where to live?”
Many transition-age youths who age-out, begin couch surfing, living in cheap hotels with 4+ other people, or on the streets not long after leaving foster care. At least 36% of former foster care youth experience homelessness at least once after aging-out. This is the most prominent challenge that HER helps young women through: aging-out of foster care, with little or no supports, few life skills, and lack of stable, affordable housing.
It is terrifying to be homeless.
There is a constant feeling of not knowing where you will sleep each night: whether your friend’s mom is finally going ask you to stop sleeping on her couch, or if the shelter is going to put you out because you were minutes late for curfew. All this uncertainty is draining, emotionally, and physically. There is no way a person can concentrate on the tasks of growing up under such pressure, never knowing or believing that housing stability is possible.
I watch smart, talented, young women struggle every day to figure out where they are going to sleep. A day has not gone by since the launch of HER that we have not had to talk a young woman through the hard choices she will have to make about where she will sleep.
This is a reoccurring image: sitting with, comforting, and watching as one HER participants cries because she must choose between sleeping in an unstable home of a woman she met while couch surfing or at a shelter.
Dominique* says, “I don’t belong here,” meaning the shelter, and she’s right.
Why does this bright, young woman have to make such a difficult decision?
She was born to a family that could not raise her, grew up in foster care with few supports and now lacks the connection with people she can stay with and feel safe; with no opportunity to get on her feet and secure her own housing, while attending college.
She deserves better. She deserves safety and stability and a chance. How can we expect her to continue going to college when she lacks core stability, a place to live? This specific young woman has already beaten the “foster care odds” by getting into college. Only 50% of foster care youth graduate high school and only 20% attend college; furthermore, only 10% have the support or resources necessary to graduate. The price to stay in school requires a good GPA for continued financial aid. With Dominique’s energy drained because she is trying to just survive on a daily basis, how can she focus on her studies?
I am concerned because as a society, we are setting this young woman and many others up for failure. She cannot study with her stomach growling from lack of food; even with her food stamp stipend of $45 a month, she will go hungry some nights. She is not afforded the ability to let her guard down, take a deep breath, and focus on reading and studying. The most basic of her hierarchy of needs, food, warmth, shelter, sleep, and safety are not being met. She is on her own.
If her situation does not stabilize, her chance of a thriving life will be slim, forced into a lifetime of chronic homelessness and the shelter system.
So, how do we help Julie and Dominique and other young people struggling with these challenges? Support and Empowerment. Guidance. Empathy. The young women of HER never had the opportunity at a childhood, they have been dealing with adult issues and trauma since 8 years old. For us to TELL them now what to do, or how to live their lives, will make them recoil from our intended support.
This is why support and empowerment to make the right decisions for her are so important. It is about being present, letting her know that she matters in this world and that she is capable. If she believes you care, she will trust and accept your guidance; she desperately wants it. Trusted guidance is crucial to her well-being and future. She is desperate for a different life. Sometimes she will have to take those hard steps forward, in order to get the future she deserves; I frequently find myself saying, “this is not going to be easy, but it is doable.” Reminding her that we/HER will be there for her along the journey, we will not turn our backs, and that her time at the shelter is temporary. During the night she sleeps at the shelter and during the day, HER focuses on coaching her into employment and financial literacy so she can rent a room in a group house like many young professionals in Washington, DC.
Most importantly, empathy plays a huge part in her ability to trust. We do not have to have her same experiences or struggles but she wants to know we understand hers and talk to her as a person, not in pity for her or as an authority figure.
These are just a few tools HER uses to empower the women we serve. Julie and Domonique want to be lifted and empowered, so that once they achieve stability, they will believe in themselves and can keep moving forward.
She deserves it.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of HER participants.
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