Self-care, pleasure and disability: why we should be talking about sex toys in RSE
Anna Alexander from Split Banana explores how discussing sex toys can make Relationship and Sex Education more inclusive
Most people I speak to are on board with the idea that young people should have access to high-quality sex education. Whenever I meet someone and mention that I’m a sex educator, they will offer up an experience of their — often dire — sex education at school. As such, most people will agree that learning about sex and relationships from a mixture of Cosmo, porn, romcoms, and a friend’s older sibling doesn’t make for a great education.
Most agree that we need to be teaching young people about consent or different sexualities. However, people begin to look worried when I mention the word pleasure. A school I talked to baulked at the suggestion of including the clitoris in their anatomical drawing of vulvas, saying that their 13-year-olds “weren’t quite ready for that talk”. Yet apparently they were ready for conversations around ejaculation in primary school.
I find it hard to understand how education about consent can exist without the mention of pleasure. If we are not encouraging people to understand what feels good, how will they be able to communicate what feels bad?
It’s my belief that learning to talk about pleasure is also learning to talk about our bodies, how to practice good communication and understand boundaries. The topline that I give to wary teachers and parents is that everyone should be experiencing sex that is comfortable and pleasant. And if it is uncomfortable or unpleasant, that should be a sign that something’s not right.
At this point in the conversation people albeit tentatively, tend to be back on board the proverbial ship.
Until of course, I mention sex toys.
Why should we be talking about sex toys?
Although there are many reasons that I think sex toys should be talked about in sex-ed (surely we want people to be exploring what they enjoy in a safe way?) the main reason is sex and disability.
I am a non-disabled person, but from listening to and reading the works of disabled sex educators such as Andrew Gurza and Eva Sweeney, and by speaking to people Damian Wetherald, it is clear that sex toys can be a transformational piece of assistive tech. From providing the opportunity to access sexual experiences that might not otherwise be possible, to providing relief from chronic pain. The joy — and of course pleasure — that sex toys can bring to people’s lives should not be underestimated.
So, why don’t we talk about them?
Society still pushes the message that pleasure in any sex which isn’t PIV (penis-in-vagina) between two cis-heterosexual, slim, non-disabled, white people, is somehow deviant, a fetish, disgusting, shameful or funny.
This is wild when you consider the majority of people do not fit into these categories.
The sex toy industry also historically followed this pattern. Although it has been radical in promoting solo sex and ‘female’ pleasure, the majority of the time these products — and therefore these narratives — are promoted by wealthy white straight women on Instagram. It would seem that again, pleasure and sex toys are only acceptable for this narrow category of people.
However, there are people pushing back against this messaging. UK based, sex educator Damian Weatherald for example, has been selling inclusive sex toys since 2003. His website Bedroom Adventures aims to “help people have a fulfilled sex life regardless of disability, sexuality or gender.”
Step Tranovich from Cute Little Fuckers created their line of sex toys after they experienced a neurological disease. They’ve since created a range of toys that are gender-inclusive with fun, friendly marketing.
These companies challenge the idea that there is only one context that sex and pleasure should be experienced. This is crucial, as when we promote norms around ‘acceptable’ sex and relationships, we make it difficult to talk about sexual experiences and pleasure, outside of this norm. Yet it is critical that we do.
Disabled people are more likely to experience sexual abuse and assault than their non-disabled peers. And if you are of a marginalized gender or sexuality then this risk of abuse increases.
However, a mixture of desexualisation, medicalisation and a lack of training by health and education staff means that these young people are also less likely to receive sex education. This means that they are less able to advocate for their sexual health needs and less equipped to recognise and report signs of abuse. This is why people working with these young people need to be equipped to provide information and support around sex education.
What’s more, sex and disability need to be visible across mainstream education. Because, when people are not taught that everyone has a sexuality that is worthy of respect and understanding, we are paving the way to creating potential abusers.
What can we do?
Push for better sex education. Push for investment in healthcare and education. Celebrate sex in all its different forms. Validate sexual experiences that fall outside societies rigid norms. Create an expectation of pleasure and comfort in consensual sexual experiences, no matter what that looks like. Break the taboos around discussing sex and pleasure.
Normalise talking about sex toys.
Split Banana delivers Relationship and Sex Education in three ways: by running creative RSE workshops with young people, by training educators and by consulting with schools and community organisations on their RSE provision.
If you’re interested in having Split Banana deliver a workshop or training in your setting email hello@splitbanana.co.uk or show them some love on Instagram @splitbananaaa.
