3 Better Versions of “Passengers”

How to take it from meh to f*ck yeah!

© 2016 Sony Pictures

DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN IT

5 BASIC CHANGES to make “Passengers” a better movie

1. Don’t show us what went wrong in the beginning!
   Don’t you hate it, when the audience knows more than the people chasing the plot like they’re in a really obvious maze? Ya, me too.
2. Start with her story; add flashbacks later in the form of surveillance footage
   This way, we get to meet Aurora first, as she wakes up to the situation. We feel for her and we, too, fall for Jim, before she finds out, what really happened, as she finds footage of Jim staring at her in the pod.
   In consequence, we are not sympathizing with Jim first, feeling sorry for Aurora later, when we see the disappointment an actual light year ahead, which feels awkward half of the movie, because we were in the know. Traitors…
3. Sacrifice the Adam & Eve theme for more “Beauty and the Beast” in full-on Stockholm syndrome; make him more of a creep and her more of a damaged introvert (Take a hint from “Gone Girl”!).
   Make their relationship more unlikely to make it interesting.
   It’s not like the CW put all the pretty people on a space ship to see what happens.
4. Let him die, and in consequence…
5. …make her take on the guilt of waking another person without permission to either save the ship or herself.
   Bam! There it is. Full circle.

Are you tearing up, yet, Kevin Smith? Wait, there’s more:

Charlotte Gainsbourg in Independence Day 2 © 2016 Twentieth Century Fox

4 MORE CHANGES to make “Passengers” even better

1. Swap J-Law for a less Hollywood, less perfect-buddy actress, who can pull off a complicated author.
   (I’m looking at you, Charlotte Gainsbourg).
2. Swap Pratt for a less sexy buff, perfect-buddy actor, so the social gap between them is larger (and goes beyond having different classes of bunks and breakfast). Make Jim even more creepy and his relationship to even Aurora more unlikely.
3. Escalate it more desperately!
   Let her find that pod manual he is hiding in his drawer. Give that hot, angrily burning feeling of betrayal more fuel. Make his deception hurt more, but take them both as emotional hostages, as she…
4. …gets pregnant!
   Talk about leaving a legacy behind, right? Trees are for beginners.

You’re looking at a French indie film now. Do you like it?
Wait, I have something better for you:

Jessica Henwick in Iron Fist, © 2016 Netflix

THE ULTIMATE CHANGES to make “Passengers” the best movie ever

1. They’re both women. None of them is white.
   Would you look at that? A gazillion casting options just opened up.
   I’m going for Jessica Henwick as Kim.
2. One of them is straight. (Or so it appears…)
   Of course, its Aurora. Jim (now: Kim) is dying of loneliness and getting nowhere in her attempts to get into the cockpit, just like before. The skilled mechanic is messed-up, on the edge, and so frustrated with the situation, that she decides she is in desperate need of a friend, maybe even a girlfriend. An idea the barkeeper is eager to support.
   Kim finds clues for Auroras sexuality in her writing. Something that will haunt her later, because what a coincidence, huh?
   
   “This must be fate.” Aurora states. “What are the chances we would find each other? It could’ve been very different for us, had we woken up to any other person… any man.”
   To which Kim replies a clever remark about Auroras writing, giving herself away.
3. The breach of trust is also physical.
   Now, the conflict not only revolves around the fact, that Kim woke Aurora up selfishly, but also pushed her into an affair and coming out (to herself). Aurora, in her dramatic recluse, realizes too late, that it does not matter anymore, because they need to get over each other to save the ship and their lives.
4. It’s Kim’s body that dies from the early wake-up call.
   Aurora realizes she has been given a chance to live, even though Kim just used her to not die alone. Had Kim not waken her, she would have died asleep like the others are about to.
   However… she is even angrier, that she fell in love with a dying woman.
5. They both die in space, but Aurora forgives Kim at the last possible moment, as Kim reveals she was dying anyway.
6. They leave something more significant behind than a tree. I’m taking your suggestions to what that might be.
7. The barkeeper is an alien stowaway who traveled with them to get to know love and friendship. He is still curious and wakes up another pod.

You just watched the Tumblr-version of the movie. It’s alright. I brought chocolate.

There. I fixed it.
Respectfully, Eve

PS: Which version would you choose to see?

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