And scene. End of Act.

When I said “yes” to Bethany Johnson-Javois (and consequently the Ferguson Commission staff) in February of 2015 I could not have imagined what I’d learn about working with the State of Missouri, about the workings of St. Louis County, about the inner-workings of many of our regional large nonprofits, about our regional appetite for addressing critical issues, about our region’s capacity to make population-level change, about our regional media’s attention span and most recently about the realities of the structure and workings of St. Louis City government.

Using digital platforms for specific and broader “community” messaging and communication have been my daily reality since the mid-90s. Navigating the world as a black female with privilege has been my daily reality since birth. I credit my time at the St. Louis Beacon as the 6 years where I figured out what it meant to integrate those things. I am forever in debt to the life of Michael Brown, Jr. and all who rose up in his name for the opportunity to figure out what it meant to use those things together on purpose and with intent.

The Facebook On This Day feature often reminds me of this journey. The type of things I say, how I say them and what I choose to say and not say have not changed. But all of that has been colored over time with the less technical things I have learned since saying “yes” to Bethany.

I’ve learned what it’s like to work with mostly racially and ethnically diverse People of Color in a professional setting on behalf of our own liberation and be conscious and up front about the fact that that is what we are doing. It’s something I didn’t know I was missing in my then 20-year career and it is magic.

I’ve learned that the story of the dehumanization of People of Color, women, poor people and any group that can be labeled as “other” are chapters in the same book and that we have to both know the book cold _and_ commit to ways of being that throw the book out the window if we have hope of evolving as a culture. I’ve learned that the chapters in that book hold something different but of equal importance for each group, and that thinking only one group has something to learn is a trap.

I’ve learned that my place in this cultural shift is not the same as someone else’s and that leaning into where I am while reaching forward and back and across is the most valuable thing I can do. That those reaches are uncomfortable and scary on the face, but always result in a new opportunity for progress.

I’ve learned what it means to build the kind of relationships where the goals and language are shared even when the tactics and skin color and background and position are not and to make asks and be asked with full acknowledgement of power and race and gender and access and public perception and get and give “yes” and see progress made.

I’ve learned that there are always more questions to be asked and answers to be found and that after 500 years of this moving walkway of inequitable outcomes it really is always that complicated and issues are always bigger than a single person and not seeing that or not taking the time to unravel that keeps us stuck.

I have learned that there are rooms and people who have not been moved or opened by the past 4 years. I have not learned not to let it break my heart because while it just breaks my heart for many it means continuing to live in unsafe conditions or remain unhoused or unemployed or unseen.

I have also learned that more often than not, rooms and people _have_ been moved and opened by the past 4 years. Even if it is not as far, as fast, or as open as is needed. I have learned the power of connecting people and rooms with the right people to continue those journeys and when I am not the right match and the juxtaposition of where I am and where those rooms and people are can harm (us both) instead of help.

The lessons learned in the past four years are different for everyone. In context, my experience has been a very safe and privileged one. People have seen loss of livelihood, interrupted careers, deepening or new mental health issues, isolation and worse. All that has happened is in the context of the state of our hierarchical norm-centered culture. My 30 lbs and increased stress level are still in the context of the advantages I have. My involvement in the past four years has given some a false idea of where I fit in the puzzle, which honestly might be part of what allows me to navigate where and how I have.

The process of leaving City Hall this week (at least officially, I’ve got a meeting there on Monday 😂) of all weeks drove home the context of all of the above. In the intensity of being in St. Louis at this moment in time, it’s easy for us all to forget the larger arc of who we’ve always been, what we’ve learned over the past four years, and how building upon that is a continuation of a story that did not start on August 9, 2014, but was forever changed by it. That is true for how we see ourselves, how we react to how others see us, and maybe most importantly in how we bring all we can to bear on behalf of creating a future that offers healing, opportunity and empowerment for all regardless of where or to whom or with what they are born.