Rape, Fear and Healing
In this edition of Say Your Story Anonymously (SYSA), our subject who at age 18 was raped, walks us through how she’s fared since the incident. At the time, she was away from home as a first-year student.
This experience has played a critical role in her formation, and we discuss amongst other things, the aftermath, what she does and how she is healing.
Do you think you made a mistake? Why do you think it was a mistake?
Yes, I think I made a mistake. As a way of summary, my mistake is in 4 words; BEING BLINDED BY LOVE. I trusted without second thoughts, but I ended up getting raped by a married man who I thought I loved.
How did it happen?
At the time we started out, I didn’t know he was married. He effortlessly swept me off my feet, as he was so charming, and promising. Unfortunately, I fell for that amongst his other tricks without knowing that all he wanted was to eventually use and dump me.
It was on a Sunday, when he said he wanted to take me out. On our way to the supposed place, he said we were going to make a stop at his friend’s place for a visit — For me, he seemed harmless, and we were in Love, so that isn’t supposed to be a big deal. When we got there, his friend wasn’t around and he took advantage of that. He made advances at me, I resisted but he held his grip firmly, and pushed me to the floor. At this stage, it all seemed like my struggle made it easier for him to strip me. I pleaded with him, but he was hell-bent on having his way on that cold floor; which he eventually did. Looking at it, it seems all planned out - our visit to his friend and this unfortunate absence - but I don’t know what it is.
After that happened, what did you do? How did you feel?
I kept blaming myself, because I trusted him. I kept blaming myself, because I felt I could have said NO to any outing with him, given that I’d just met him less than a month. I kept blaming myself because, I didn’t do anything proper to find out he was married, and even had two kids.
After all this, I thought about committing suicide. A lot went through my mind, and I felt so used, I felt like trash, I felt like I wasn’t worthy of life. My best friend pulled me out of the neck-deep suicide thoughts. Power of words is beyond being clichè, believe me, it worked for me.
How many persons have you been able to tell?
I was only able to tell my best friend. She was less judgy, and didn’t always say things like “Worse things have happened to others”. Without complicating things, she made my feelings, hurts and story valid. She’s really helped me put myself together, heal and clean my tears. It all felt like therapy for me.
Did you take any action against this man?
No, I didn’t.
Is there exactly any reason why you didn’t?
Basically, it is because of fear. I am the first child and I come from a home with both parents being in the military and I wouldn’t dare tell them such thing happened to me; you can imagine what it would be like. Also, society doesn’t allow such conversations to happen without blaming the victim and all. I was basically scared.
What have you been doing to heal?
It’s just a little over a year. Time and life have been doing the work and I’ve allowed it to do its process. I’ve also been doing my bit to make it easier. I’m a lover of music and I sew clothes to be fine psychologically.
What keeps you going now?
The fact that I now believe in giving myself a chance to live and hope, through my mind. Sometimes, I still beat myself up, believing it was my mistake to have trusted him. Again, I accept that what is done is done, and I can’t live in the past. I accept that I can’t change what’s happened no matter how much I long and want to.
