Cheating: Is It a Dealbreaker? by He SaidSheSaid

According to Statisticbrain, 57% of men admit to cheating while 54% of women also admit to the act.

She said: I can only write about this topic for the perspective of someone who has been cheated on. I am not perfect but I prefer to end a relationship or take a break if I feel like I don’t want to be with that person or things are rocky between us.

That being said, cheating for me is defined as an emotional or physical affair. It is having a secretive relationship with someone, who is not your partner. It can consists of a series of phone conversations, meet ups, and text messages that are exchanged over a period of time.

I believe that cheating tears down the foundation of a relationship. It opens the door to mistrust, betrayal, self-doubt and in some cases rage. The feelings of love and comfort you had for your partner are replaced with anxiety, depression and anger.

So for me cheating is serious and it is a deal breaker. I think cheating is about a person not being content with a certain area of his/her life so he/she seeks validation outside of that relationship.

When I was cheated on, it felt like someone had taken my heart and ripped it out of my chest. It was painful to find out that my man had betrayed my trust. He had stepped out of our relationship to get his needs met, yet he failed to communicate to me that he was unhappy.

Once I processed what had happened, my emotions had moved from sad to disgust to numb to rage. I had so many questions — How could he destroy what we had? Does he love her? How long were they together? How do I move through this?

After the dust settled, we talked about what he did and why. But I can honestly say that his reasons for his behavior felt like excuses. He promised to not do it again but he did. In fact, he just got better at hiding it.

“According to Spring, if couples are going to rebuild their [relationship], the unfaithful partner [must be] willing to look deeply into themselves and understand why they cheated so when they say I’ll never cheat again. It’s not just a verbal reassurance” (ABC News 2009).

My advice is if cheating occurs in a relationship, then the couple needs to evaluate what are their next steps —Can we work through this as a couple? Are we going to stay together? Should we take a break?.

If it is worth saving, then seek help so you can identify any problem areas in your relationship. If it is not worth saving, then you may need to separate. Remember, it will take time and forgiveness to rebuild the trust in your relationship after cheating. Some of us can move through this and some of us cannot.

He said: Honestly, I have been on both sides of infidelity. I also think that too much emphasis is put into the act of cheating.

Yes, it does hurt the other person. Yes, it does cause one to question their partners trust and loyalty. Yes, it can be a deal breaker for some people. But I think the majority of us ignore the signs of issues between you and your partner before the terrible act even occurs.

Some couples have never stepped out of the relationship on one another and they are completely miserable. Does that make them any better than the couple who’s cheating on one another?

I believe that our relationships are so hollow these days that we are not taking the time to learn about our partners as people. We don’t know much about them. We don’t know their likes or dislikes. And it seems like we no longer want to put in the work to learn who they are either.

It’s like we want a finished product right away, and when they are not “perfect” we tend to make ourselves believe that they “are not the one” — as if you could know this in a few months.

So a lot of times there is no real connection to our significant others. There’s no emotional loyalty. There’s no real feelings there so that when things become rocky you don’t feel the need to stay where you are.

Now as far as cheating goes, I believe that we should focus on how it got to that point instead of the why because there’s a million different reasons why people step out of their relationship. We’d never get a definite answer.

According to The Lovers Rocque, infidelity is selfish but it can also be misguided. You have to look at the individual circumstances. Were there problems in the [relationship] that caused someone to lose self-control because they thought the grass on the other side would make them feel better?…I’m not saying to stay with a chronic cheater, because that’s obviously a major problem, but some cheaters really do feel remorse and realize their mistake — sadly after the fact — but that could be a blessing in disguise for a relationship if the couple can work through it (The Root 2012).

So ask yourself, what have YOU done to cause a riff in your relationship. What have YOU done to help your relationship flourish?

People don’t realize that when one person cheats it’s BOTH parties fault. You guys are a team. There is no I in team. You win together and you lose together. Be accountable for the part that you played in every situation.

As far as cheating being a dealbreaker, I believe that it is for a person who is not invested in the relationship or is actually looking for a reason to leave. I don’t think it’s a deal breaker.

I don’t think it’s right or okay either. I think it’s a mistake and we all make mistakes. There are worse things than cheating and some things are not as bad as cheating.

Wrong is wrong and we all should strive to be better people each day. Everyone has flaws and one flaw does not make you better or worse than anyone else.

Since you choose to commit to them, you obviously see a future with this person . You should focus more on the issues between you than the results of ignoring those issues.


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