Dear HSSS: How do deal with your partner having an opposite sex bestie?
She said: This question comes from a male teen I mentor. He felt that since his girl has a male best friend then she should stopped being friends with him now that she has a boyfriend. And when I asked the females in my girls group this question, they also agreed that their boyfriend should end the friendship if his bestie is a female.
I don’t agree with ending my friendship with my male bestie just because I am in a relationship. I value my friendships, which I have taken time to build and keep. So I won’t easily give up my friend just because my man may be uncomfortable with the fact that my bestie is a man.
I also would not make him end his friendship with his female bestie. If he is upfront and honest about his bestie and he has set clear boundaries with her so she knows what is or is not acceptable, then I have no need to demand that she be removed from his life. However, if things between him and her start to look shady, then he and I need to talk because I want to be clear that there is nothing going on between them.
Boundaries needed to be established early between opposite sex besties so they know we are just friends without the benefits. Once you are in a relationship, then you should not be spending time alone with your bestie, all get-togethers should be in public places and your partner should know about these meetups.
If your bestie wants more than friendship from you, than you have to slowly distance yourself from them until there is a shift from friends to associates to eventually strangers. Don’t play with other people’s feelings so if you know your bestie “really” likes you and you do not feel the same way…End the friendship so they can find a connection with someone else.
As long as you keep all things out in the open, then your man/woman has nothing to worry about. However, if you or your bestie starts to cross those boundaries, then you may need to re-evaluate your friendship.
He Said: If a man is with a woman, should the woman end or cut off a friendship she has with a man? A genuine male friend. My advice isn’t definite or absolute.
It all depends on the relationship of the Man and Woman. Each relationship has its strong and weak points. This is where learning your mate comes into play. In a perfect world, she would introduce you as her man to her best friend and you would all be new friends. But depending on the person some are ok with this and some think this is too much.
My advice without knowing much about the people involved… Have a talk with them both separately. Then introduce your man to your best friend in a safe environment. Let them feel each other out. That’ll let everyone know what boundaries there are.
A lot of times we feed off of misconceptions instead of actually finding out for ourselves. So then things like “I’m the only male friend you need” or “I know she’s only your friend because she wants you” start to come out and you cause tension in your relationship that doesn’t even exist.
Most of the time it isn’t the people outside the relationship that cause the issues. It’s those within the relationship. Build a strong bond between you two and if you don’t trust your mate with the opposite sex then y’all have some work to do and until then maybe you may need to reduce the time spent with your friend and strengthen the bond between you two. A true friend will understand your distance.
