The two sides of the independence coin

Since I was a kid, I’ve always liked doing things on my own. Learning to read, walking myself to school, riding my bike around the neighborhood. Every time I did something like that, it just felt like I could do anything; it felt really good. And most people used to praise me for being such an independent kid, like if it was the best thing in the world.

But growing up, I found out that being independent is not always as good as people may imagine. Don’t get me wrong: being financially independent, being able to go where you please, and doing things that you want is something pretty awesome. But sometimes, it may be accompanied by a not-so-awesome friend: loneliness. And I’m usually fine by myself, reading, studying, driving, watching my favorite TV show, cooking, or whatever. But I’m talking about those times when you don’t want to be by yourself, but it feels like you don’t have much choice. Sure, being alone by option feels great, but being alone for lack of choice really sucks. You want someone to go with you to the movies, or a restaurant, or to a crazy last-minute road trip, or even someone just to talk to. And you know that you could do any of these things by yourself because you’re an independent badass, but sometimes you just don’t want to. Sometimes it’s just about knowing that, if you wanted to, you would have someone to just be there.

The problem with the duality of independence is that you don’t want someone there all the time; you need to have your time alone, it’s in your nature. And that’s okay. The thing is that a lot of people may not be as independent as you, and, in this case, they probably won’t understand your dynamics. So either they will be hurt when you say that you want to do something by yourself, or you will end up letting them be there all the time so you won’t hurt anyone. If things happen as the first option, you will likely push away people who don’t understand you, or they will just move away ’cause they don’t understand you and may even feel unwelcome. But if things happen as in the second option, at some point, you will feel overwhelmed and probably unhappy as well.

So when you look at it, it seems like you have two choices: either you embrace your independence and accept that you’re likely to be alone; or you just ignore who you are and keep yourself surrounded by people all the time.

But this cannot be it. Right? You should be able to be who you are and not being punished, it’s just fair. Well, I’ll tell you what I’ve learned so far: some people just won’t understand you; you may try to balance things and be different around them, but eventually, it becomes exhausting. But if you’re lucky enough, you will find people who respect that, even if they are not so independent themselves; and you may also find other independent souls that share the same convictions. And you’ll feel good for being around these people (when you want to be).

So embrace your independence. Yes, sometimes loneliness may come as an undesired companion too, but you’ll find your way around it eventually. Because feeling free to be yourself is kind of the best thing in the world.