The Nights With You
Hello! It’s been a loooong time. I hope you’re at the very least holding up okay, and perhaps even doing great. I was hardly writing for a while, but since my second son was born in March, I’ve been feeling creative. (Well… look what I just created.)
I now have 15ish pieces to share — mostly about parenthood, nature, current events and this fucked up world. (The first bunch are about parenting but I promise there’s other topics if that’s not your thing.)
Those of you who have been here a while will see I’m simplifying the format. I need it to be easier to send out what I’m writing — simple text, one piece at a time. If you like it, stick around. If not, feel free to unsubscribe.
Peace + love,
Leora
The Nights With You
Written December 2021
You’re 2.5 years old and I still get to hold you as you fall asleep each night. Do I want my nights back? Oh, there are never enough hours in the day my sweet boy. Especially since you’ve always been late-to-bed, no matter what I try.
Not that I’ve really tried.
I prefer to swim with the current.
(Your current.)
Beat to your rhythm.
(Our rhythm.)
When I stopped nursing you to sleep — because I had to, not because I wanted to — my body heaved with grief. I only put you in your crib that last night because otherwise, my tears would have woken you.
I thought it was the last time I’d ever feel you asleep in my arms.
Little did I know, the very next night our routine would be replaced by one just as sweet. Cuddling in my bed until you fell asleep, still in my arms. Stories, songs, pillow talk. A wind-down that always ends with both of us falling softly asleep — yet only I have to peel myself out of bed to grasp at any semblance of a night. To sleepily get my “me time” in, which is usually just a list of To Do’s.
And once in a while, my brain thinks… I can’t do this anymore. I need these precious minutes back.
But my heart responds with laughter. Hold on, hold on…
And if there’s one thing motherhood has taught me — it’s to go with my heart.
One night, it’ll be the last night. You suddenly won’t need me anymore, and then you won’t want me anymore, and then I will never hold you as you fall asleep ever again. These long nights will seem fleeting, like a hazy dream. You’ll be in your big boy bed then staying out late with friends then living in your own place then cuddling with your own children… no recollection of the years you needed your mama’s body close to peacefully fall asleep.
Tonight it took way longer than usual. We read a book, turned off the lamp, I said my nightly I love yous. But you just wanted to pillow talk. “Tell me a story,” you whispered. So I did. Over and over. Interrupted by your soft voice asking adorable questions, interjecting with your own fully-formed thoughts that still blow me away.
And even though our bodies were in contact from head to toe, you touched my arm and said “open, open…” and I realized you wanted me to lift my arm so you could lie in the crook. The closer, the better. With your face against my cheek now, I could feel your tired blinks — those gorgeous, thick lashes painting soft love on my skin. And we continued to chat, me giving into you completely because why would I fight this?
I don’t know who said the last whispered words, who drifted off to sleep first. I do know that I had a lot to do tonight, none of which I’ve begun. All I can hope is that tomorrow you still want your mama, and I get one more night to hold you as you fall asleep in my arms.
Thanks for being here. Feel free to reply and say hello.
❤︎ Leora
Read previous Hi Let’s Life letters here
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