Arizona Tech Company Launches Controversial Coronovirus Action Plan
NOTE TO READERS: The editorial staff at HIFI Press received the following email from an anonymous source at WhizTech Inc. Our attempts at obtaining a comment from WhizTech have gone unanswered.
From: HR@whiztechcares.com
Subject: WhizTech All-Employee Bulletin Regarding the Coronavirus
Sent: March 2nd, 2020
An Important Message from Your Friends in the WhizTech Human Resources Department
Howdy, y’all!
As you know, WhizTech is committed to the happiness and well-being of each and every one of its employees. Unlike our competitors, who only claim they care about their employees, we’re so incredibly committed to our commitment that we put it in our company charter. (Take that, HR team at SmartSoft!) Our charter is posted in the employee breakroom next to our new “urban street art” mural, so feel free to take a look for yourself during your next break. (And don’t forget to share your excitement about our world-class company culture on social media! #whiztechcares)
In the spirit of promoting employee happiness and well-being, WhizTech is committed to doing everything it can to protect its employees and their families from the emerging COVID-19 coronavirus. Please review the following WhizTech Coronovirus Action Plan and return a signed copy to your Human Resources team on the 2nd floor by the end of the day.
WhizTech Coronovirus Action Plan Policies
Policy #1: Just One Cough, Take Time Off.
WhizTech knows that its employees wake up every morning devoted to hitting the ambitious goals we’ve set for ourselves. We understand that sometimes that devotion makes it difficult to let something like a sniffle or bellyache get in the way of progress. This is why, in the face of a worldwide pandemic like the COVID-19 coronavirus, we want to remind you that WhizTech holds its employees’ health as the highest priority. Henceforth, at the very first sign of illness, please call your manager and let them know you’ll be staying home to recover.
The good news doesn’t stop there. For those of you who’ve used up all your sick days, we’ll happily apply any remaining vacation or PTO days to your time off — pulling them from 2021 and beyond if needed. For our female employees who are expecting a baby, you’ll be pleased to know that you can also dip into your maternity leave now instead of waiting for your birth of your child.
Policy #2: First In, First Out.
WhizTech understands the impact of a global pandemic and how scary it can be. Relentless news coverage from money-hungry media outlets about the virus can have a paralyzing effect. On behalf of WhizTech Human Resources and the rest of Leadership, we want you to know that we care about your psychological well-being as much as your physical health.
Which is why we’re once again staying “ahead of the pack” by letting our competitive spirit drive our response. Starting March 1st, every employee is strongly encouraged to contract the COVID-19 coronavirus as quickly as possible so that a swift recovery can make you immune — not only to the disease, but to the harmful psychological effects of a global pandemic. Once our workforce has successfully overcome the pandemic, we’ll be able to return to pre-pandemic productivity while our competitors spend 2020 scrambling to meet their deadlines with skeleton crews. (Suck it, SmartSoft!)
WhizTech understands that not every employee can afford a weekend trip to Wuhan province, so Leadership has developed a low-cost, scalable solution that allows every employee to contract the virus without leaving the office. We’ve partnered with the Chinese government to arrange a special work-exchange program that facilitates our ambitious initiative. WhizTech will be hosting a rotation of contagious Chinese immigrants in our breakroom, situated next to the company charter and the new “urban street art” mural. Please find some time during your lunch break to shake hands with our infected friend. (And don’t forget to share your excitement about our world-class healthcare policy on social media! #whiztechcares)
Remember: the first 50 employees to bring proof of illness to your local Human Resource Representative will be entered into a drawing for a $25 giftcard at Olive Garden. Don’t wait!
AMENDMENT TO POLICY #2:
It’s been brought to our attention that this policy was somewhat offensive. On behalf of WhizTech and Leadership, we’re sorry for the misunderstanding. Effective immediately, to demonstrate our unwavering commitment to diversity and multi-culturalism, we’re extending the work-exchange program beyond China to ALL infected nations. Expect things to get quite festive in the breakroom for then next couple of months!
Policy #3: Innovate & Overcome
The CDC and the World Health Organization have predicted substantial disturbances to the world economy due to the COVID-19 coronavirus. While WhizTech understands this could impact our bottom line, we’re once again forging ahead to find new solutions to new problems.
As a company, following Policy #2 will ensure that we get back on our feet long before the competition can, allowing us to secure profitability and dominance in the struggling marketplace. As Americans, we feel that it’s our patriotic duty to extend that opportunity to our fellow citizens. While WhizTech acknowledges the brave men and women at the White House who are hard at work on developing nationwide policies, we’ve chosen to take action while waiting for their prayers and tax cuts to vanquish this horrible pandemic.
Which is why we’re taking this opportunity to unveil our latest innovative endeavor: the Facemasks Across America program.
Next week, we’re launching a Software-as-a-Service website that allows any American to contract COVID-19 coronavirus in the comfort of their own home. Starting at just $139, visitors to www.getcorona.com can sign up to receive a used medical facemask in the mail for themselves and their ffamilies Each facemask is supplied by our friends at the Chinese government and is guaranteed to contain a potent dose of the COVID-19 coronavirus. The subscriber simply wears the used medical facemask for up to two weeks (or until infection sets in), then sends it back to our collection facility for redistribution. Those who survive the ordeal will be able to jump right back into the economy as a corona-proof contributor to the global economy.
If this beta program goes well, we have plans on making this a permanent product offering by launching www.selfimmunize.us and extending the menu to SARS, Ebola, and the seasonal flu.
As an employee of WhizTech, we’re offering you a special affiliate program. Until June 1st, every employee that brings in a used facemask infected with the COVID-19 coronavirus will receive a gold WhizTech flag on their cubicle. Each golden WhizTech flag is valued at $1 and can be exchanged for snacks and other office supplies in our Employay! Cafe on the 3rd floor.
Have a question or comment about our WhizTech Coronovirus Action Plan or any of its ground-breaking policies? Feel free to write it down and slip it in the “On Your Side” comment box located in the breakroom next to the new urban street art mural, the company charter, and our infected immigrant friend.
Here’s to hoping the virus “goes viral”!
Sincerely,
Your WhizTech Human Resources Department
