#NaNoWriMo 2017: Day Twenty-Five
High Dependency
The previous chapters can be found here: https://medium.com/high-dependency
Chapter Twenty-Five
“Can I talk to you, EJ?” asked Laken.
“Sure. Do you want to come in?” EJ asked.
“That’d be great. I’m going to take my shoes off” Laken replied, eagerly stepping inside and taking off her muddy boots.
“Make yourself at home. Are you OK? We’ve hardly seen you recently”
“Hi, Laken. We’ve been really worried about you. We couldn’t find you on Sunday. Were you at home?” asked Grace, getting up from the table where she had been sitting to greet Laken.
“Yeah I was at home” replied Laken.
“We came and knocked to see if you were going to do a service” said EJ.
“Oh, Sunday. I can’t remember what I was doing” said Laken.
“Frankie said she was going to get you, then she said you were busy” said Grace.
“Yeah I must’ve been busy” said Laken.
“Is everything OK?” asked EJ.
“No. Things are really not OK. I need to offload”
“What’s wrong?” asked Grace, looking concerned.
“Am I a bad person?” asked Laken, bursting into tears.
“No. Why would you think that? Shush. What’s all this about?” asked Grace, comforting Laken.
“I don’t know. I’ve just got a lot of doubts. I always thought that I was following the right path. I thought I knew right from wrong, but I’m doubting myself. I’m doubting my own morality. I see evil within myself” Laken sobbed.
“What are you talking about, Laken? What’s triggered this? Has somebody said something to upset you?” asked Grace.
“No no no. Nothing like that. Nobody’s said anything. That’s part of it though. I don’t know what anybody thinks about me. Do people think I’m a bad person?”
“We’ve lived with you for over a year now, Laken. We love you to bits. You’re not a bad person. Why are you doubting yourself?” asked EJ.
“There’s stuff… there’s stuff… there’s… you don’t know everything about me. You don’t know my whole past” stuttered Laken.
“Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future” quoted EJ. “You shouldn’t be beating yourself up. You don’t seem like your old self. All these thoughts and worries seem to be making you unwell”
“We don’t need to know everything. We know that you’re a good person. You need to let go of whatever it is that’s making you so distressed. It’s not doing anybody any good letting these thoughts ruin your wellbeing” said Grace.
“You don’t really know me though” Laken wailed. “Nobody really knows me. I’m not sure who I am anymore” she sobbed.
“We do know you, my love. We live with you. There’s no hiding anything from anyone here. Our lives have been so intimately intertwined, we’d know if there was any badness in you and we can’t see any. You’re a good person. Try to be kind to yourself” Grace urged.
“Forgive yourself, Laken. Nobody’s perfect. Nobody is one hundred per cent good. Don’t be so hard on yourself” said EJ.
“I’m supposed to be a fine upstanding member of the community. I’m supposed to set an example. My past is catching up with me and it won’t let me go” said Laken.
“What’s done is done. You can’t change it now. Your present is being destroyed by the past. You need to let it go” said EJ.
“It’s not that simple, EJ. I’m being pursued; harassed. I’m being punished. Damocles’ sword is hanging over me”
“Can you tell us what’s going on?” asked Grace.
“Not really. It’s better if I don’t talk about it” replied Laken.
“We’re not trying to pry. We’re worried about you and we want to help. You can talk to us. You can tell us anything and we won’t judge you or tell another soul, we promise” said EJ.
“I really don’t want to talk about the specifics. It’s better if nobody knows. One thing I will ask though…”
“What? We’ll do whatever we can” said Grace.
“Would you vouch for my character? I mean, if there was ever the need, would you be prepared to vouch for me?” asked Laken.
“Of course. We’ll help however we can. We’re here to support you. Always” said Grace.
“But we don’t know each other very well. Would you really do it? Would you stand up in court and vouch for my character?” asked Laken.
“We helped each other building this tiny commune. We live in close quarters. Of course we would vouch for your good character. You’re a valued member of this community. This is very important to you isn’t it?” asked EJ.
“Yes this is really important to me. I feel so alone. I don’t know where to turn. I don’t feel I can talk about this. I just need support. I need to know that people would speak up in defence of me, if there was ever the need” said Laken.
“You can count on us” said Grace, giving Laken a hug. “We’ll fight your corner, of course. There are lots of people who know you who’d speak up on your behalf. You’re not alone in whatever you’re going through”
“You don’t need to face this alone. You have our love and support, unquestionably” said EJ.
“You don’t know everything though” said Laken quietly.
“I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that you’re not a violent mass-murdering pædophile drug trafficking rapist. They don’t let that kind of criminal out on bail” said EJ.
“I’m not on bail” replied Laken flatly.
“EJ!” reprimanded Grace. “I’m sorry, Laken”
“No. It’s OK. People must wonder what all that business with the police was about. I hate that nobody talks to me about it. Nobody dares to ask me about it. It’s like everyone is treading on eggshells around me”
“That’s your business. It’s up to you what you want to tell people. Nobody wants to pry. We’d forgotten all about that stuff with the police” said Grace.
“Bullshit. Nothing happens around here. Nobody asked me anything and I just find that really weird. It’s like everybody’s got their preconceived ideas and it’s up to me to burst that bubble and protest my innocence”
“Nobody presumes you’re guilty, Laken. You’re still you. Nothing’s changed. Nobody thinks any the worse of you. We all still love you and care about you” said EJ.
“The whole process of being arrested, locked up, interrogated, investigated… it all makes me feel guilty” replied Laken.
“Innocent until proven guilty. The burden of proof is theirs, not yours”
“Yes, but to be suspected still makes me feel guilty. People are going to wonder. If people knew what I was suspected of, they’d look at me differently. We’re incapable of being non-judgemental”
“I like to think of myself as a good judge of character. I’m sure I’d know if you’d done something unspeakably awful” said EJ.
“How would you react then, if you found out that I was suspected of doing something unspeakably awful?” asked Laken.
“I would ask you if you did it” replied EJ.
“What about if I was capable of doing it, EJ? What about my intent? Even if I didn’t do it, could I have done it? Am I capable of doing unspeakably awful things?”
“We’re all capable of doing awful things, Laken. I can’t drive because I get terrible anxiety that I’m going to cause an accident. I have awful thoughts that I’ve run over a pedestrian and not noticed” said Grace.
“Yes but that would be accidental. I feel like there’s a bit of me that I don’t trust. What am I capable of?” asked Laken.
“Without God and our faith, we’re just beasts. Humans are violent animals. Without peace and goodwill towards men, we’re no different from the animals who fight and murder with impunity” replied EJ.
“Yes, but considering the vast number of people who profess to being religious, there’s a lot of war in the world, isn’t there?”
“Are you questioning your beliefs?” asked EJ.
“Yes. If there is a God, then He’s failing most of His worshippers” replied Laken.
The next chapter can be found here: https://medium.com/high-dependency
