#NaNoWriMo 2017: Day Twenty-Three

High Dependency

The previous chapters can be found here: https://medium.com/high-dependency

Chapter Twenty-Three

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck.

Fuck my life.

I need to sleep. I should stop thinking about this.

I need to get up in the morning. I’ve got a busy day ahead. I need my sleep.

I’m exhausted.

As if I didn’t have enough on my plate. Now this.

Why now?

The timing is terrible. This is not the right time.

This should have been planned. There’s no sense in having an unplanned pregnancy in this day and age. It’ll have to go. That’s the right thing to do. It’s not fair to have a kid when you’re not in the right place to raise it.

I’m so young. This is going to ruin my life.

How long has she got left to have an abortion?

Surely she can’t be seriously thinking that she’s going to have the baby.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

I drink too much.

I don’t want to be like my dad.

I don’t want to be a bad parent.

It’s late. I should try to sleep. I need to get some rest.

This isn’t going to resolve itself tonight. It’s her decision anyway.

I shouldn’t try to pressurise her. I shouldn’t tell her I don’t want the baby. I shouldn’t try to influence her decision. It’s her body.

God I loved her body. I loved cuddling her. She was so affectionate.

I miss her company.

I miss her.

Molly’s so beautiful, but we don’t get along. She’s so shallow. We can’t have a conversation. The sex is good. Actually the sex isn’t even that good. She’s too noisy. She sounds like she’s faking it. It puts me off. It’s not natural.

God Molly is beautiful though. She’s got such great breasts.

Arno’s tits are nice though. Those nipples are amazing. I swear she could cum just from me sucking her nipples. Sex with her is amazing. Was amazing.

I wonder what will happen to her tits with this pregnancy. I wonder if they’ll get bigger. I wonder what will happen to her nipples.

I think it would be nice, holding her with her baby bump. I’d like to spoon her and put my hand on her swollen belly.

I wonder what it’d be like fucking her. I could fuck her gently from behind, on our sides. I could fuck her from behind with her bump hanging down. Oh God I want to fuck her.

I swear she looks different.

She’s got my kid inside her.

My kid. My baby.

I wonder if it’s a boy or a girl.

Don’t think like that. Don’t get attached. It’s not even a thing. It’s not even cooked yet.

Close your eyes, go to sleep, Mr. Sandman is waiting.

Shhhhh.

Shhhhh.

Quiet now. Calm down. Count backwards from a thousand.

Nine hundred and ninety nine.

Nine hundred and ninety eight.

Nine hundred and ninety seven.

I should have drunk more.

I drink too much.

I need it though. I can’t relax without a drink.

I don’t drink too much. I can control it. I could stop if I wanted to.

That’s what alcoholics say.

I’m not an alcoholic.

I don’t trust myself.

How can I become a dad when I don’t even know what makes me happy? What am I doing with my life?

We’re not even in a relationship anymore. This is madness. Surely she doesn’t want to be a single parent?

Should I get back with her?

Does she want to get back with me?

Maybe I shouldn’t get back with her so she’s more likely to get an abortion. But I don’t want to sway her.

I think I do want to get back with her. But I don’t want to have a baby. Not yet. It’s the wrong time.

I’d have been fine with this if we had a nice little house and we weren’t worried about the future. The timing is so bad.

I think I’d like that. I’d like to raise our family in a little house. I think that would be amazing, to be with her, raising our kid. I can picture myself being really happy doing that.

No no no.

The timing is not right. When’s this baby going to be born? We’d be lucky to have a dry roof over our heads. This is nothing more than glorified camping. I don’t want to be dealing with nappy changes and sleepless nights while we’re in the middle of a building project. This is madness.

I’ll talk to her. We’ll have a sensible rational discussion about whether the timing of this baby is right.

Shit. It’s getting late. I can’t have the conversation in my head. I need to sleep.

What am I going to do?

I should sleep on this. I can’t decide now. I can’t do anything now.

What am I going to do about Molly?

What’s Molly going to say? She’s going to go nuts at me.

It’s not my fault. Molly knew what she was doing. She knew what she wanted. She knew what she was getting into. She can’t be mad at me.

Why do I feel bad about this? Why do I feel guilty?

None of this is my fault. We were using protection. I didn’t want to break up with Arno. It wasn’t me who made the first move with Molly. This isn’t my fault. I don’t understand women.

I’m young. Molly’s young. Me and Molly would have plenty of time to think about starting a family. I’ve got so much I still want to do with my life. I don’t want this responsibility now. I’m too young.

I don’t want to start a family with Molly. I can’t see myself spending the rest of my life with her. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with her. I hardly know her. I don’t think I like her; we don’t get on.

What am I going to say though? How can I get out of this?

What am I going to say to her?

Is she moving? Is she awake?

“Jan. Are you awake?” asked Molly sleepily. Jan closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep. “Jan, I can tell by your breathing that you’re awake. What’s wrong baby?” she asked, more awake.

“Shhh. It’s nothing. Go back to sleep” Jan softly replied.

“What is it Jan? What’s keeping you awake?”

“It’s nothing. Let’s try to sleep. It’s really late”

“What time is it?” asked Molly.

“It must be about 3am”

“Fuck, Jan. What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing. I’ve just got a lot on my mind at the moment is all”

“It’s not nothing. You always sleep so well. It must be something important” said Molly, sitting up in bed and looking at Jan in the darkness.

“Oh I don’t know. All this building work that we’ve got planned is stressing me out”

“I don’t believe you, Jan. I think there’s something else. It’s her, isn’t it?”

“Her?” asked Jan.

“Don’t play dumb with me mister. You still think about her don’t you? Arno”

“Oh her? No. Not really”

“Now you’re really pissing me off, Jan. I know this is about her. What the hell is going on? Tell me there’s nothing to worry about”

“There’s not really anything to worry about”

“Not really?” asked Molly.

“Yeah. Let’s not talk about this now. It’s late and we need to sleep. Let’s talk about this in the morning”

“OK. Now you’re really freaking me out. What the fuck is going on, Jan?”

“Look. Chill out. We’re not going to talk about this now. We’ll talk about this in the morning”

“Like fuck we are. Bloody hell, Jan. How do you expect me to sleep? Tell me what’s going on right fucking now”

“I don’t want to talk about this right now. Just try to chill out. It’s nothing to worry about”

“That’s not what you said a moment ago” said Molly.

“Yes it was”

“No. You said nothing really to worry about”

“Same thing” said Jan.

“No. Not the same thing. Not the same thing at all. Tell me what the hell is going on”

“Promise me you won’t freak out”

“I’m already freaking out. What the fuck is going on?” asked Molly angrily.

“Arno’s pregnant” Jan blurted.

“And the baby’s YOURS?” asked Molly with shock and disgust.

“Apparently so”

“Well you should fucking know, Jan”

“I only just found out. We took… you know… precautions”

“I don’t give a fuck if you’ve been using condoms or not. You’ve been fucking her while you’ve been fucking me, you disgraceful shithead. Have you no shame?”

“Whoa there. Hold on a second. I have not been cheating on you”

“How the hell did she get pregnant then?” asked Molly.

“She must’ve gotten pregnant before we broke up. She said she’s missed two periods” replied Jan.

“Why didn’t she tell you she was pregnant after she missed her first period?”

“I don’t know. You’d have to ask her that”

“You didn’t ask her?”

“No. I didn’t ask her. My head was spinning when she told me”

“Why would she tell you now? It’s so clear that she wants you back, Jan. She’s trying to entrap you”

“I don’t think she’s trying to entrap me”

“Oh! You’re sticking up for her!” cried Molly, raising her voice. “You want to get back with her, don’t you?” she asked.

“No. I mean, er. I don’t know”

“You fuck, Jan. You utter shitting fuck” said Molly, starting to cry. “Don’t touch me!” she yelled, as Jan tried to comfort her.

“This isn’t how I wanted things to go. This has all ended up very messy” said Jan.

“You love her, don’t you?”

“Yes. Yes I think I do”

“You FUCK” cried Molly, striking Jan’s arm with her hand. “Why don’t you go tell her how you fucking feel?”

“I’m sorry, Mol” said Jan, while Molly quietly sobbed to herself in the bed next to him.

The next chapter can be found here: https://medium.com/high-dependency