In Order to Be Loved
I had to stay looking a certain way
I remember when I got married to my 2nd husband. I was in my early 30’s. My first marriage was at 22 and lasted less than 2 years, so sometimes I don’t even count that one! But, my 2nd husband, right before we got married, said to me “you can lose 10 pounds, or you can gain 10 pounds, but that’s it.”
Even though he told me later that he was joking, it felt like a threat, and it stayed with me. I was once again reminded that in order to be loved, to be good enough, to be worthy of being someone’s wife, I needed to look a certain way. It didn’t matter if I was a good, smart, loving, caring, independent, strong, and interesting woman — no, what mattered was that I stay looking pretty much the same as I did on my wedding day.
And sadly, I bought into it, because there were certain things I was conditioned to believe growing up. Some of those things were:
I needed to be nice in order to be good
I needed to smile even when I didn’t feel like smiling
That my moods should be left at home — they weren’t for others to see
That a man would take care of me
That my wants and needs were secondary to that of my partner
And,
That my worth and value was based on my physical appearance
For the majority of my life, I lived for other people. I gave myself away. I put them first, being the wind beneath their wings. And it took me a long time to check in with myself — to listen closely enough to hear my inner voice that told me that my needs were important. That my life was mine, and that if I didn’t stand up for myself, speak my truth, live life on my terms, that I would be forever forfeiting this amazing life I was given and letting someone else dictate how it would be for me.
I don’t want that for anyone. I want everyone, every man and woman, to know their value, to know their worth, to completely get that their needs and wants are valid and important.
We are more powerful that we think — much more than we have been pretending to be. Don’t be afraid. If you’re feeling the tug, the pull, and you know something’s not right about the relationship you’re in — whether personally or professionally, take some kind of action. We all have a default future — one that is pretty much going to go on in the direction we’ve been going unless we make some kind of change. You know what that change needs to be. And if you don’t, get quiet. Listen to your inner voice, your intuition, and trust it.
(And, by the way, that second marriage didn’t last either!)
