The Truth About Sexual Attraction That No One Tells Us
We know who would be good for us. Why are we just not attracted to those people?
An article by Hily’s dating coach, a renowned psychotherapist, Ken Page, LCSW.
Sexual attraction is one of the most powerful forces in our lives. Without it, romantic love can’t find a foothold. But the wrong attractions can send us plummeting down a path of pain and disappointment!
Most of us know who would be good for us. So why are we so often just not attracted to those people?
You can’t force your sexual attractions. Most of us have learned that the hard way. But here’s what no one teaches us — we can educate our attractions! In this article, I’m going to teach you how. And don’t worry; even if you’re only attracted to bad boys or bad girls, or to unavailable people, you can still develop this capacity. These are not gimmicks; they are the lifelong skills of romance and intimacy — the very same skills you’ll use to keep passion alive in your next serious relationship!
Who truly gets your attention? The secret story
Every time you enter a room, you make choices based upon your attractions: Whom do you notice? Whom do you pass over? Who makes you weak in the knees?
Your attractions are forged in the deep space of your being, born of countless, often unknowable forces. When you encounter someone for the first time, your psyche and heart begin a secret scan, picking up obvious cues like physique and facial structure, and subtle cues such as body language, facial expression, and the nuance of the voice. You instantly process this information without even knowing it. All you feel is desire — or the lack of it.
The attraction spectrum: a Deeper Dating® tool for you
Imagine a “spectrum of attraction,” from 1 to 10. Picture that the people at the lowest end aren’t physically or romantically attractive to you at all, but those at the upper end…well, they’re icons: They leave you weak in the knees.
Why is that?
Harville Hendrix, the founder of Imago Therapy, explains this phenomenon in a way that changes everything. He teaches that these people are so attractive to us in part because they embody not only the best but also the worst emotional characteristics of our parents.
All of us have unresolved childhood hurts due to betrayal, anger, manipulation, or abuse. He explains that unconsciously, we look for healing from those early wounds through our romantic partners. And we try to achieve this healing by bonding with someone we sense might hurt us in similar ways to how we were hurt as children, in the hope that we can then convince him or her to finally love and accept us! Our ego wants to go back to “the scene of the crime” through this partnership, to finally get the love and acceptance we missed!
In other words:
Consciously, we’re attracted to the positive qualities we yearn for. But unconsciously, we’re drawn to the qualities which remind us of how we were wounded the most.
This explains why we get so awkward and insecure around people we’re intensely attracted to. It also explains why we often get our hearts broken with these most intense, fiery attractions.
How can you use this powerful information to transform your dating life?
Because of past hurts, some of us protect ourselves by only dating only those on the low end of our attraction spectrum. We feel safer and more comfortable — but the downside can be boredom, frustration, and a lack of passion.
Many others only date people on the high end of their attraction spectrum, because they believe that’s where real love and passion lie. With someone who is a “high number” on your attraction spectrum, you can tell that you’re attracted in a fraction of a second. This can be achingly exciting (and there’s nothing wrong with dating people you’re really attracted to!) but remember that sometimes those intense attractions can be warning signs to proceed with caution.
In my experience, people who only date people on the high end of their attraction spectrum are much more likely to remain single.
Don’t be afraid of the middle range
People who are willing to date in the mid-range are more likely to find real and lasting love. You won’t feel that crazy, careening spark right away, but that’s ok. Remember: Immediate, intense attraction isn’t the best forecaster of future passion! Attractions can grow — and many of us have had the experience of becoming more attracted to someone as we got to know them better. If there’s a spark or potential for a romantic spark, that’s enough to work with!
Cultivating Attractions of Inspiration
So what do we do when we meet someone who inspires us, and we feel some spark of attraction, but not enough to fall in love?
If you’re meeting someone for the first time, don’t make a snap decision based upon whether you’re instantly attracted on a physical level. If you’re not sure, go out with them again. In time, something lovely may happen: that person may actually become more beautiful to you. It happens all the time. And if it doesn’t happen, you’ll know that it’s time to stop dating them.
As we start to care more deeply about someone, invisible tendrils begin to grow in our thinking, in our sexual imaginings and longings, in our growing sense of dependence on that person. We begin to create a web of attachment to that person, to make him or her our own as our hearts allow this once-stranger to become our loved one.
In many attractions of inspiration, it can take time for our attraction to build. It can be difficult to resist the urge to flee and look for someone really high in the attraction spectrum. Try not to flee; I’ve seen some potentially amazing relationships cut off before ever being given a chance. And I’ve seen some amazing relationships start very slowly.
How to build attraction to someone who’s good for you
The more you focus on the things that trigger your desire, the more your passion can grow. If you feel a spark of attraction, and you want to make that attraction grow, start by giving yourself space. No matter how wonderful the person, you’re not obligated to become attracted to them! Forcing your feelings will only block the natural flow of attraction.
Instead, allow yourself to reflect on the things that attract you to them — what turns you on and what you appreciate. For example, if you both share a love for a particular kind of music, find concerts that appeal to both of you (when we can have concerts again!)
Here’s some important advice that may be hard to follow: when you desire someone, try not to have sex right away! Let your longing develop and grow stronger. More importantly, if you have sex too early, one of two things can happen; you can either become insecure or needy, or you can turn off to the person as a true romantic possibility and just see them as more of a hookup. So go slowly on the outside, but allow yourself freedom in your fantasy life!
And if your desire is still more sensual than sexual, that’s fine too. Allow yourself to be unpressured…simple things like holding hands, along with great talks and a bit of sense of romance can fuel attraction in powerful ways.
Research shows that the majority of relationships didn’t start with “love at first sight.” Use these skills, and watch your attractions grow. They are powerful and effective — but just make sure you use them in relationships with people who are stable, thoughtful, honest, and good-hearted. That’s where happiness lies; not in the hellish roller coaster of unhealthy love!
Copyright, © Ken Page, LCSW, 2020
Ken Page is the host of The Deeper Dating Podcast, author of the bestselling book Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy, and the creator of the Deeper Dating Course. He has been featured in O, The Oprah Magazine, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Cosmopolitan, The Advocate, and more.
Discover more about Ken’s work, and receive a free gift HERE.
