“Why are you still single?” How to Deal With Invasive Personal Questions at the Dinner Table
How should one deal with family pressure during the holidays
Let’s just all admit that the holiday season is never as fun and peaceful as they show it in Christmas movies. For some of us, it’s spending time with people we don’t really want to hang out with. For others, it’s hearing the dreaded questions and comments about their love life (or lack thereof). You know those questions are unavoidable, yet you still get upset when you hear them. Some people go as far as “holidating” someone just for the sake of pleasing their family members.
So how should one deal with family pressure during the holidays? Hily asked several relationship experts for their advice, and here’s what they said.
Don’t stress over the things you can’t change
Trying to change someone’s behavior is rarely worth it. If your relatives have been behaving like that for several decades and are convinced the way they act is totally normal, don’t waste your energy trying to change them. All you can do is change your reaction to their comments and questions. If you know the dreaded topic will come up, learn to take a deep breath and brush it off instead of getting upset or lashing out at everyone. “We personally treat family gatherings like emotional weight lifting sessions,” says Simone Collins, the co-founder of The Pragmatist Foundation. “Learning how to stay emotionally unaffected in such trying circumstances helps the trivialities of daily life glance off us as if (it were) nothing.”
Find yourself an ally
Most likely, there will be at least one person at your family gathering who will understand you and stand up for you. According to Heather Lyons, the owner of Baltimore Therapy Group, “Having a third party’s support can not only save you the stress of conflict but can help highlight the seriousness of the offense without turning the situation into a ‘back and forth’ (situation).” It can be your mom, who knows how you feel about the topic and can handle your aunts and uncles. Or your cousin, who has married happily after 30 and had been listening to the same questions before she settled down.
Talk about your passions
Don’t sit still and wait for them to ask about your personal life. Instead, best-selling psychology author Danielle Laura advises to “focus the attention on something you’re doing in your life right now that you’re very passionate about.” Surely, your life isn’t just about finding a couple. Remind them about it and let them know what you have been up to. If something has been troubling you lately, and you feel like talking about it, open up to your family members about it. It will help them understand why you had to take a break from dating.
Take charge of the conversation
If you don’t want to talk about yourself at all, ask your relatives how they have been instead. “Include topics that are special to family members and have them expand upon them,” adds Danielle Laura. They will appreciate your interest and, more often than not, will enjoy being at the center of attention.
Embrace the emotions
Finally, allow your family members to be angry with you. Quite often, we feel like other people’s emotions are our fault, but that’s simply not how it works. When people ask you inappropriate questions or make offensive comments, you have every right to get upset. Even if your reaction hurts them, it’s not your fault. You weren’t the one who invaded someone’s personal space and decided to make assumptions instead of trying to listen and understand. “Rather than apologizing or giving excuses — which puts you in an inferior position — make assertive statements,” says Lisa Webb at Body&Mind Consulting.
