Coping with Grief During Isolation

By Sally Scheidlinger, a social worker and psychotherapist who is conducting free anonymous group support sessions on Hims & Hers

If you are dealing with a painful loss, it can be exhausting. Grief demands the attention and energy of the entire mind and body. Sadness, numbness, and anger are just some of the difficult emotions that might arise while grieving, and your body and mind are working in overdrive to process the loss. Grief is devastating on its own, but experiencing it during a global pandemic poses a unique challenge. As the world collectively grieves the losses from COVID-19, many are also grieving additional losses, as well. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one or pet, or breaking up with a significant other, it can feel like loss is surrounding us and we’re not able to cope in the ways we normally would. Funerals are being postponed or cancelled, memorials are taking place virtually, and visiting with others who may be sharing your pain is out of reach. The world has experienced a dramatic shift, and the cumulative loss of “normalcy” coupled with the loss of a loved one can be overwhelming.

Grief is something many of my clients have been struggling with, and I recently led a few free anonymous group support sessions on the topic for Hims & Hers. The overarching focus of these sessions was finding ways to cope with loneliness and difficult feelings. Loneliness is a pervasive feeling associated with grief, and being physically alone (due to shelter-in-place) while emotionally alone (as grief always is) is incredibly tough. While it can be daunting to do so, it’s important to tend to these feelings. Suppressing feelings often leads to them manifesting in ways that cause more stress in the long-run, like lashing out at a friend or losing motivation with work. If you are struggling with grief, here are some tools many of my clients have found helpful:

• Tend to your feelings with compassion. What do you need to fully tend to your feelings with care? What do you need to be able to feel your grief safely? You might find you need to call a close friend or take a walk. By welcoming grief even when it feels utterly unbearable, we allow the pain to run its course and make space for a period of relief.
• Practice self-care as much as you can. Perhaps you need to eat something or take a nap if you are not sleeping enough. Self-care is vital when you’re grieving, though it can be such a difficult time to do so. Even something as simple as a shower can help you feel just a little bit better.
• Find out what is helpful for you. Many people find rituals comforting, like planting a tree or performing an act of kindness in your loved one’s honor. Writing can also be a transformative tool for those who are grieving. You might try writing down your memories or feelings about your loved one. If you find it helpful to speak with people who have experienced a similar loss, you might look into virtual grief support groups.
• Seek support. Talking to trusted confidantes can be cathartic. It’s important to listen to yourself about who would be best-suited to be there with you through your pain. Many people with good intentions often try to “fix” the pain because they don’t want to see you hurting. Grief is not a problem to be solved, it’s a natural response to loss and a reflection of how deeply you loved. You might find it most helpful to speak with people who are willing to simply listen with compassion.

Ultimately, in order to move through the pain it needs to be acknowledged and tended to with loving kindness. The above are good starting points, but it’s important to know there are mental health professionals available to help you work through your grief and help find ways to reduce suffering. If you’re feeling hopeless or having thoughts of harming yourself, it’s important to speak with a mental health professional right away. There are 24/7 services available like SAMHSA’s helpline where you can speak with someone any day and at any time about the care you need. Despite how isolated you may feel, you are not alone, and there are people ready and willing to support you.

The most helpful supports will remind you that everything you are feeling is valid. There’s no “normal” way of grieving, and there is no timeline for grief. However, there is one universal component of grief — no one can truly feel the pain you are feeling. This is why grief is so lonely. It is also the reason seeking support is so crucial. Grieving during this pandemic carries the unique burden of isolation, as typically, loss can be honored through social gatherings and celebrations of life. My recommendation is to try to keep up with these types of traditions in a virtual manner. Seek comfort from your loved ones over FaceTime, set up Zoom celebrations, and seek out people you trust to listen and be with you through your pain. Everyone is coping with uncertain times, and for those who are grieving, it’s critical to find ways of connecting when being physically close to loved ones isn’t possible.