Families Figuring Out How They Will Manage Yearly Thanksgiving Fight Over Zoom
Families all over the country are gearing up for their yearly argument over roast turkey and Aunt Linda’s disgusting ambrosia salad, but to what end? Liberal millennials and Zoomers have spent the year methodically collecting facts and statistics aimed at absolutely destroying anything their conservative Uncle Frank can throw their way. Conservative boomer relatives have likewise been mainlining Q-Anon conspiracy theories and obsessively watching Fox News while simultaneously hitting themselves on the head with a comically large mallet in order to kill any lasting doubts or original thoughts. Both sides are poised for a carb-fueled battle, blood v blood until mom cries and says “I spent all this time preparing a lovely dinner, can we just get through one meal together without tearing each other apart?!”
But with COVID-19 on the rise again, that annual clash might not happen this year. Many families are planning Thanksgiving dinners via Zoom, making heated arguments much more difficult to sustain. “I was really looking forward to picking the fights this year,” says Jonah, 24. “My Uncle Glen is always the one who starts in with his ‘all lives matter’ bullshit before the turkey is even out of the oven. I was ready to come out of the gate swinging with a moment of silence for the over 200,000 people killed by Trump’s incompetent handling of coronavirus, but I just don’t think it’ll hit as hard in a Zoom room as it would in my Great Aunt Rita’s living room. Someone is bound to leave their mic unmuted while they pee and ruin the whole vibe.”
Another major concern for families is that many of their conservative relatives, via the deal they made with the devil years prior, rely on stoking political grievances over the dinner table in order to feed. Without this annual supply of aggravation, these energy demons (excuse me, I mean “beloved family members”) may wither away to nothing. “Fighting over the internet just isn’t the same,” Beverly, 52, bemoaned to this reporter. “I can pick a fight with any old liberal snowflake on the inter-webs, its enough to sustain me for awhile, but I need to consume my niece’s barely contained rage when I walk into the house wearing a bedazzled MAGA shirt in order to hold my current bodily form.”
Not to mention the gloating rights lost. Presumably, the election results will be announced prior to the Thanksgiving festivities, meaning the winning side would have earned the right to shove the losing party’s face in it on the day in question. Assuming that we still have a functioning democracy and the county hasn’t fully devolved into civil war by that point, in which case family members might very well be taking up actual arms against each other (I’m talking guns not germ-ridden, awkwardly long hugs from your grandparents) this holiday season, but I digress.
At least some families I spoke to were considering a nice social distanced blow-out in a local park or someone’s front lawn, if the weather holds. “We’ll find some way absolutely eviscerate each other while goring ourselves on pumpkin pie,” says Laila, 32. “It’s what family is for, after all.”
