Lifehack: Networking with The Unknown
Overcome the fear of rejection, and know what to say in that initial networking e-mail (or phone call).
Awhile ago, a friend approached me and asked for advice. She wanted to contact a senior colleague within her field of economy, but had no clue where to start, or what to say. The two had never met, yet my friend sincerely wanted to add this experienced person to her professional network.
The challenge?
She was reluctant about making contact, and had no idea how to frame her request.
Reaching out to strangers, can be a bit nerve wrecking. For many of us, the natural response when contacting strangers is often connected to a fear of rejection — our brain perceives it as potentially dangerous, and a bit risky.
So, we often avoid the task.
To understand the process going on inside our minds, we need to look at science and ask ourselves: why are we nervous about contacting people we don’t know, and what can we do to become fierce networkers?
The scientific stuff
Researchers within social, cognitive and affective neuroscience, know that humans move between two fundamental states; we want to minimize danger and maximize reward (Evian Gordon 2000).
This is closely related to the “approach-avoid” response, two states that dramatically effect our perception and problem-solving skills.
“The approach-avoid response is a survival mechanism designed to help people stay alive by quickly and easily remembering what is good and bad in the environment.” — David Rock Co-founder, NeuroLeadership institute
So, we need to look at how to overcome the fear of rejection, and know what to say, when we wish to initiate a dialogue and expand our professional network.
Step one: how to overcome the fear of rejection
Skilled salespeople seem to have the ability to overcome the “avoid-response state” when cold calling, or contacting potential new clients — leaving the rest of us wondering how they do it.
They appear to overcome the fear of rejection.
Bill Caskey, an American sales coach and author of the book “Same Game, New Rules” talks about the five steps to overcoming your selling fears, in his article at Hubspot.
Since cold calling is about actively reaching out to people we don’t know, I though we could use some of Bill’s advice in networking.
If you’re a spreadsheet type, then create a five-column scorecard and get started. Each step below, is its own column.
1. Identify the Pressure
When in the process of contacting or approaching someone you don’t know, do you experience pressure? Is it in the start of the conversation? Is it when asking for specific advice, setting a date for a coffee, or is it not knowing what to say or write initially?
2. Link the Pressure with the Fear
Column 2 is for linking the pressure with the underlying fear. Identify what kind of fear you are experiencing. Is it the fear of rejection? Social anxiety? Low self esteem? What is it, really?
3. Do a Reality Check
Ask yourself, “How real is this fear?” What is the worse thing that could happen, and are you really sure it will be as bad as you think?
Doing this reality check might show you, that your deepest fears are in fact just illusions.
4. Purposefully Reframe Each Pressure or Fear
Reframe each pressure or fear and look at it through a new lens. For instance, if e-mailing is your pressure point, don’t see it as an opportunity for rejection — it’s an opportunity to expand someone else’s network!
If they are unwilling to network, you can’t help them — and it’s their loss, not yours.
5. Pay Continuous Attention to Triggers
Try to be aware of what is happening (emotionally) at all times. Catch yourself feeling the pressure and notice the triggers on order to reframe the situation. Doing this for a longer period can ultimately change your entire approach, and resolve the trigger.
“If you reinforce this exercise, you will catch yourself going down the dark hole of inadequacy. Notice the triggers. When you get that feeling of hesitation or pressure, recognize that you just aren’t thinking about it in the right way. It might take 3–5 seconds. But it happens quickly.” — Bill Caskey
Step two: know what to say (or write) in that initial email
One thing is overcoming the fear of rejection, another is to know what to say (or write) once that fear is overcome.
The number one rule, is to correctly frame what type of value you can give to the other person. You need to think about what skill you can contribute with, especially if you are reaching out to someone you don’t know. You need to give them a reason to spend time with you, or you will be setting yourself up for failure.
The best way to get a clear understanding of your most valued skills, is to ask a colleague of friend. Have a discussion about your strengths and expertise, and write them all down.
If you are a recruiter, for example, you can provide others with great opportunities for new jobs or professional development. You can give them an insight to the labour market, or feedback on a CV.
What other personal or professional skills do you have? International experience? Good marketing strategies? An innovative mindset? Try to make a list to boost your confidence and create some key focus points.
The second rule, is to have a clear objective. What is your purpose and why do you wish to network with this person? Do they have a skill you would like to know more about? Do you wish to recruit them for a job? Are they an asset to your network and business?
Putting these two simple rules together, is always a good start. “I would like to talk to you because….. and I would be happy to give you some inspiration in return about….”
Just an example…
Dear xxxx,
I found your profile on Linkedin, and was impressed by your long experience with….. You don’t know me personally, but I would like to reach out to you, in the purpose of networking professionally.
I can see you have worked a lot with….. and I assume you know a lot about….
I would like to know more about that, since I am currently recruiting for a similar position, and I think you could help me understand the industry a bit better.
In return I would like to offer you any support I can, giving you feedback on any questions you might have about jobhunting and professional development.
Let me know if there is anyone in my network (on LinkedIn) I can put you in contact with. I would be happy to help you expand your network as well.
How does your calendar look on Tuesday next week?
Looking forward to your reply,
Kind regards, XXXX
Now let’s look at the composition of this networking e-mail.
- Introduce yourself and explain how you found or got the contact to the person in question.
- Don’t be afraid to explain your objective, and remember to address the value you can give in return (what’s in it for them).
- You leave the reader with a 40/60 feeling. You almost wish to give more than you get. Notice the last offer about the contacts on Linkedin, most people won’t hold your word for it, but be prepared to act on it if they do. Also understand that your job (in networking) is to also expand the network of others. Let them know that.
- Provide a date and ask directly for a response, showing you have a genuine interest to meet.
Don’t be afraid to try different ways to connect, you will be surprised about the amount of positive response you will get. Even if you get rejected, if you have been honest and polite in your approach, most likely, you will get an honest and polite rejection. And you do know how to handle that, don’t you?
If you focus on framing the value and the amount of “giving” you are willing to give, most people will be happy about your approach.
So, start by asking yourself this question: who would you like to network with, why, and what can you give them in return?
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