I don’t know if I can stand the pain
I have been reading a book called:
Be Still, My Soul (25 Classic and Contemporary Readings on the Problem of Pain): Embracing God’s Purpose and Provision in Suffering. by Nancy Guthrie.
In the first chapter of the book the author says
We live in a unique culture…If you read the journals of the people before us…they weren’t surprised at suffering.
She goes on and says…
We are the first culture to be surprised by suffering.
I will not lie, the last few weeks have been hard at best. I will be very transparent in this post. I have been hurting and been struggling with what my purpose is right now. I know that He has called me to be an an encourager, a prayer warrior, and to spend time with my precious Lord so that I can be more like Jesus.
But there are days when I am so ill that I can’t even get off the couch to even eat. My fatigue is so different than a ‘healthy person’s’ fatigue. When I am fatigued, I can barely pry myself off the couch to eat, or move, or even go to the bathroom.
It is often hard to even pray or open the word. Lyme disease causes depression. I know a large part of my depression is a heart issue because at times I get so depressed and upset with the Lord for me being only 23 years old and being so incredibly sick. Again, we are the only culture to be surprised by suffering.
But, I know that His word is what I need to survive. It is how I will get through this trial, and it is His love letter to me and reading it will make me more like my Lord. I desperately need the word.
One of the verses that the Lord has impressed on my heart over the past couple of years and especially during this time of suffering is Psalm 62.
Psalm 62:5–8 says this:
“Let all that I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.”
Verse 8 has been such a sweet, sweet song to my soul. The Lord tells us first to trust in Him at all times — and He knows that we are people of flesh. Then He says pour out your heart to Him because He knows that trusting in Him at all times as wretched sinners are hard and it is a daily battle. And when we pour out our hearts to Him that is when we begin to trust in Him.
Communion with God and sitting quietly at His feet is the best, sweetest, and the most healing thing we could for our souls. Because of Jesus Christ, we can go boldly before the throne of God and sit at His feet, repent, cry, and lay our anxieties at His feet.
On Tuesday Justin did not get back from work and some errands until 8. It was not a coincidence, but rather the sovereignty of the Lord as during that time I was able to pour out my heart to Him and wrote down the truth.
There have been times in the last few weeks that I have cried and pleaded with the Lord so much that I have soaked my prayer journal with tears and watched as the ink ran all over the page.
While Justin was away, I just cried and cried and almost “wrestled” with the Lord over my illness. Then for about 30 minutes I just curled up in a ball and rested in Him my provider, lover, strength, King, Savior, my peace and my help.
The Lord has reminded me time and time again that Jesus is my rock and my joy and I can not and will not find joy in how my body is currently functioning but in my rock Jesus Christ. This is something that I have to continually remind myself of.
As Psalm 62 says that to “wait quietly before Him.” In this season of suffering that the Lord has us in we must wait for patience before Him because He is our God, our refuge, and He will walk through this trial with us.
I have been so so weary in the last couple of weeks and so completely broken. But the Lord keeps picking my tried body and soul up and helping me walk through this trial. He is the lifter of my head.
Psalm 3:3 says…
“But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.”
He is the strength I have to get out of the bed in the morning. It is His love that carries me. It is by His grace that I have a wonderful support system around me (my sweet husband and my wonderful small group and my sweet, sweet family).
He is the one who whispers in my ear, “Amanda my precious child, you do have a purpose, or I would have already taken you home with me.”
I pray and encourage you today to run to Jesus for all your needs, hurts and troubles.
Run to Him.
Lay at His feet, pour out your heart to Him and surrender.
Drink from the living water, guidance, love, hope, and grace that WILL never run dry.
Bury yourself in scripture.
Let it be healing, convicting, love for your soul and full of grace.
Look in the Savior’s eyes and seek to become more like Him no matter what you are presently going through.
