Val’s Day Terror Nabbed At Last!
By Asperatus Cloud, ACHIMOTA
Notorious serial prankster, Lurid Cupid, the terrible toddler who terrorized couples on Valentine’s Day, was finally apprehended by the police yesterday in Achimota.
Ever since his birth in 2014, Lurid Cupid has haunted Val’s Day like a horrible stench — literally. The three-year old little monster, who dressed in a red onesie every February 14th, lurked around restaurants, clubs and other hangouts in his stroller and threw extremely rotten eggs at romantic couples.
The malevolent tot recorded his pranks and uploaded them to his YouTube and Snapchat accounts, which have billions of followers, under the handle Lurid Cupid.
Because he struck only once a year, the police had a very difficult time catching him, especially since his red face paint disguise made identification impossible, and possible suspects included just about every three-year old toddler in the country.
This year, however, his luck finally ran out. His final victim, a heavyweight boxer, emerged from a restaurant with his girlfriend to find his car, a Lamborghini Veneno — one of the world’s most expensive cars and the only one in sub-Saharan Africa — completely covered in rotten eggs. Lurid Cupid sat by in his stroller, gleefully giggling his diapers off.
The incensed boxer called the toddler “a horrid little shite” and chased him around the block. When he caught up to the rip, he yanked him from the stroller and delivered a solid kick to his wazoo which landed him three streets away. His girlfriend called the police who arrived in time to stop the boxer from pounding the crap out of the kid.
When attempts to reach Lurid Cupid’s parents proved futile, the police went to their home and found them blindfolded, gagged and tied up in their bedroom. In addition to the little terror’s other victims, his parents are also pressing charges against their “evil spawn” whom they intend to disown.
While couples all over the country are rejoicing at the end of Lurid Cupid’s reign of terror, a significant number of spineless, broke boyfriends are unhappy about his capture as he gave them the perfect excuse to chicken out of Valentine’s Day.
“Now,” one of them tearfully said, “we’ll have to go back to picking fights with our girlfriends the day before Val’s Day to weasel ourselves out of spending money on extravagant gifts and outings.”
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