Woman Sues Bird For Pooping On Her…
Bird Countersues Woman For Getting In The Way
By Desert Rose, ACCRA
It was a discordant symphony of squawking, shrieking, gavel-pounding and ill-timed moments of “Objection!” at the Accra Circuit Court on Monday when a woman sued the pigeon that pooped on her and cost her a promising job opportunity.
According to the plaintiff Edna Mensah, a resident of Lapaz, she was headed for a job interview when the defendant flew overhead and expelled a disgusting bluish substance — confirmed by expert aviculturists and ornithologists as bird shit — all over her perfectly coiffed hair and immaculately ironed business suit.
Edna said the time it took to rush home and clean up made her late for the interview which left a bad impression on the prospective employer and ruined her chances of getting hired. She therefore decided to take civil action against the pigeon for the lost job opportunity as well as the humiliation and ridicule she endured.
The defendant started its shaky defence with the claim that bird poop was good luck and so the plaintiff should consider it a sign that a better job offer was on the way.
When the no-nonsense judge glared at it, the pigeon changed tactics and assumed an affected Frank Gallagher persona, explaining that it suffered a violent case of diarrhoea on the day of the incident.
“I was flying home to take a dump, but when my stomach rumbled like thunder, I knew I wouldn’t make it back to my nest in time. So I aimed at a safe spot on the ground and let loose. It was at that inopportune moment that the complainant passed by and got the full blast.”
The pigeon then announced its intent to countersue the plaintiff as it believed “she deliberately intercepted the poop so she could drag me to court and sue me for every damn pesewa I have.”
The irate complainant lunged at the pigeon and wrapped her hands around its neck. It took three people to free the screeching bird from her nearly deadly grip.
When the judge restored order, he sharply reprimanded them both, but the pigeon bore the full brunt of his ire.
“As someone who’s had countless shitty experiences with your kind, I believe it’s about time one of you paid the price to deter the others.”
He ruled in the plaintiff’s favour and ordered the pigeon to pay her an amount of GH₵ 50,000.
The pigeon flipped the bird in response and bolted from the courtroom.
The incensed judge grabbed a nearby policeman’s rifle, gave chase and shot it out of the sky.
With its dying breath, the pigeon whispered, “Better a dead bird than a scapegoat.”
Hoax Headlines — 5% fact. 5% truth. 90% fiction.