Guilt and Joy
Chapter 27 of “Hold ON”: F-8 Islamabad
(N.B. I’m writing a novel, a chapter a week, here on Medium. Find out why I write here, start from Chapter 1 here, and always feel free to give me feedback in the comments. I write here for the community.)
Hira was thrilled when she was assigned to a project aimed at monitoring the increasing air pollution in San Francisco. The project was awarded by a non-profit coalition that was concerned about the growing emissions in the city due to an increasing number of cars. They wanted to promote cycling, public transport, and walkability, making the city a healthier and more sustainable place for its residents.
The coalition decided to regularly monitor emission levels at walking or sitting level on pedestrian paths in San Francisco, as people experienced higher levels of air pollution while walking, and the same was true for the city’s homeless population who often spent time sitting on footpaths. Most existing air pollution monitors were placed on rooftops, which didn’t accurately reflect the air quality at ground level.
Hira’s role in the project was to analyze the data obtained through sensors and cameras that measured emission levels on pedestrian paths. She was also responsible for preparing a preliminary slide deck for her boss to present to the client on a weekly basis. Hira felt a sense of pride and satisfaction knowing that her work was contributing to a good cause.
However, Hira couldn’t help but wonder why similar efforts were not being made in her home city of Peshawar, where the quality of air was deteriorating rapidly. She asked her boss about the possibility of implementing such a project in cities in Pakistan. Her boss explained that he had been trying to offer this service to various cities, but there seemed to be little interest from government officials. He mentioned that government officials in Pakistan’s cities often transferred frequently to other cities and there were no local and representative governments that could make people’s health a top priority. Additionally, there was a reluctance to share air quality information with the public, as it could potentially draw attention to the poor air quality in the cities and lead to criticism of the government’s environmental policies. ‘’So it is very difficult, or even impossible, to initiate such people-centric projects in Pakistani cities”, Shehryar concluded.
Hira felt disheartened to learn about such misgovernance in Pakistan which she had never heard of before, being a student of computer science. Such discussions never happened in her department as if their job was only to learn software and tools like robots. Hira felt the lack in her education even more deeply, as it had taught her nothing about the political, social, or economic ecosystem in which she was supposed to operate. “Though the university also failed in teaching us basic Python programming. I had to learn to myself through online courses and at work”. Hira processed this thought in her mind. Despite the challenges, Hira remained optimistic that one day her work could make a difference in her home country as well.
At present, Hira had her own rented apartment in F10 Markaz. She had been inviting Sadia to join her and spend a night with her. One day, Sadia called and told her that she would be visiting Islamabad and would like to stay with her. She arrived in the evening when Hira was already at her apartment. They hugged each other, and Hira was overjoyed.
After freshening up, Hira took Sadia out for a walk in F-10 Markaz to go to a nearby barbecue restaurant. After dinner, they returned to the apartment and talked until 2 am. Then, Hira mentioned that she had to go to work the next day, so they should get some sleep.
Hira told Sadia that she had bought a car this week with bank financing and now she would be able to drive every weekend to Peshawar to meet her parents. Sadia shared updates about her professional achievements so far. She explained how she had taken many online courses and learned digital marketing. Now, she was working on freelancing platforms. She also mentioned how they were never taught such things in their university.
Sadia also told Hira that she had been meeting a classmate of theirs lately. They hadn’t been very close friends in university, but he had bumped into Sadia in Deans Plaza Sadar, Peshawar when she had gone to get her laptop fixed. His name was Asfandyar Khan, and he was now working at the KP IT Board. They talked to each other for a while and then decided to meet sometime.
Sadia commented, “He’s a cool guy. I never knew that during our university days. We like each other and might move forward in our relationship.”
Hira then said to Sadia, ‘’I’ve been disturbed for a few days with some thoughts. I want to share it with you. Maybe umm, you can guide me.’’ She continued, “My boss Shehryar Zaidi is a gentleman in his 50s and he has a calming effect on everyone around him. I feel like sometimes, you know, not in that way, but… it’s like, I can’t say what. But it feels like I have something more than an admiration for him. I feel guilty about why I feel this. I often steal glances at him, and I like him. This has been weighing heavily on my conscience.”
Sadia was listening carefully and let Hira finish. Hira expressed her guilt and frustration over having such feelings for a man who was much older than her and when she was already in love with Ahmad. Hira wondered if these feelings stemmed from her longing for the sense of calm and peace that she saw in her boss’s life.
Sadia, always the voice of reason, tried to console Hira by reminding her that there was nothing wrong with admiring someone especially if someone had been so supportive to you in your career. She urged Hira not to be too hard on herself and to stop overthinking the situation. Hira, still feeling a little unsure, asked Sadia what she thought Ahmad would say if she told him about her feelings.
Sadia thought for a moment before responding, “I think you are overthinking it. There is nothing that Ahmad would say about it. It’s natural to feel admiration for someone who has qualities that you find attractive. You are in love with Ahmad. That’s it. You can still like your friends and colleagues. It does not mean you should stop liking everyone else. It’s your first professional interaction in such an environment. We were never trained in our university or home to deal with such issues. So we face such circumstances. It is good you have talked to me. This is how we can learn from each other, and support each other.”
Hira nodded in agreement, feeling a bit relieved after talking to Sadia. She knew that she needed to be honest with herself and acknowledge her admiration for her boss without feeling guilty. With Sadia’s support, Hira felt more at ease and better equipped to handle her emotions.
As the days went by, Hira focused on her work and her relationship with Ahmad. She continued to admire her boss, but now she was able to do so without guilt. Instead, she chose to see her feelings as an opportunity for growth and self-discovery, allowing her to better understand herself and the qualities she valued in others.
