Who Is The NBA’s Most Pointless Team?

One of the joys of the NBA is its utter pointlessness.

In the best of years, there are five teams, at most, that can win a championship. This year is essentially a pre-ordained rematch between Golden State and Cleveland (although the Spurs and I guess the Clippers have a chance).

That leaves a whole morass of teams who have no chance of winning a title. But many of these teams at least have something interesting going on — be it an entertaining player (OKC with Russ/Kemba with Charlotte), style-of-play (Atlanta) or chance for an on-court fight (Chicago/Sacramento).

However, there are a handful of teams each year that are utterly pointless. They truly have no reason to play games. They’re not competitive. They’re not fun. They aren’t on any real path towards improvement.

These teams are the reason why I have my Mom get me League Pass every year. There is something clearly wrong with me when I will gladly spend a Tuesday night in January living in in sports ennui.

These are the teams I will chronicle for you, the reader, this year. This list may change if a team somehow becomes at least slightly worthwhile to watch (like when the Suns almost made the playoffs that season) or becomes insufferably existential (like the Pelicans after AD got hurt).

(NOTE: The Sixers are not on this list, despite the garbage they’ve rolled out the past handful of years. Thanks, Hinkie, you overrated dork! But Embiid alone makes them worth watching and, also, I live in Philly.)

4) PHOENIX — It took me several minutes to think of who is on Phoenix this year. Their arena is named after what I believe is an Indian casino, which reeks of desperation. But Devin Booker might be a good player. Eric Bledsoe, when healthy, is worth spending a few minutes watching. But other than that, this team is really just there to give up 130 points to Golden State.

3) DENVER — They’re pointless, for now. They’re a mismatch of parts that don’t really work playing in a city that could care less. I’m a huge fan of Kenneth Fareid, but he has less of a chance of finishing the year in Denver than I do hiking up New Hampshire’s Mt. Washington. Gallo’s a decent player but I’m assuming he’s going to tear/break whatever ligament/bone it is that has kept him from having an actual NBA career. If Mudiay is any good, then they become watchable, which means I won’t be watching.

2) BROOKLYN — They’ve defined pointlessness for almost the entirety of their existence. I grew up less than 10 miles from East Rutherford, New Jersey and went to exactly zero Nets games in my formative years. That’s how little I cared about them even though I had both a Kevin Johnson and John Stockton poster hanging on my bedroom wall. This team utterly sucks. The only narrative worth watching this year is to see if Jeremy Lin can be a good player on a garbage team. That’s not really worth watching. However, they get the slight nod over number one solely because they’re located in Brooklyn so there’s a chance a celebrity I hate will watch a game or two. Also, being utterly horrible is more interesting than below average.

1. ORLANDO — This team defines NBA pointlessness. My wife says their mascot, Stuff The Magic Dragon, looks like he has Captain Crunch stuck up his nose. I went to a game in ORL last year and I remember next to nothing about the experience other than driving past a Cheesecake Factory that had a huge line out the door. Their most interesting player is Aaron Gordon, who is worth watching in the pointless dunk contest but isn’t really a functioning NBA player. Elfreth Payton has fun hair and went to a mid-major college. Other than that, I have nothing on the Magic, which is why they’re my favorite team this year.