About me | Mental Health | Depression | Self-improvement
About Me: My Journey From Depression, and C-PTSD To Astounding Mental Health
Depression, Anxiety, and C-PTSD couldn’t stop me.
Side-by-side comparison photos of Aurora, “From Depression to self-acceptance” made with Canva by the Author
I’ve had a remarkable journey that shaped me into who I am today.
My childhood was far from easy.
I grew up with an abusive narcissistic mother, who subjected me to:
- physical,
- emotional/ psychological,
- financial*,
- and verbal abuse,
as well as:
- gaslighting
- and manipulation.
My father was at least physically present for the first 9 years of my life but always emotionally distant.
My Experience With Financial Abuse
*For anyone who doesn’t know what financial abuse is…
In my case, financial abuse was evident from early childhood.
Like most children, my money was always kept by my mom, which seems normal at first glance because children generally do not yet know how to manage their money.
The problem arose when I wanted to buy something (with my own money). In such cases, my mom used psychological abuse aka manipulation by telling me:
“I take care of you, I pay the bills, I buy you clothes, I buy you food, etc.”
She didn’t want to give me (my) money.
Oftentimes she actually even spent it, but unfortunately, mostly not on the things I listed, but on her makeup and her beautician visits.
It often happened in the store that I wanted to buy something (with my own money) and most of the time the answer was NO, but when the answer was YES, it meant that we went normally to the cashier and everything.
But then, when we got home, I thanked her and asked her why she bought this for me, because it seemed unusual, I was not used to it.
She told me that I don’t have to thank her because she had spent MY money on it.
Another example of financial abuse I experienced from my mom was that almost every time I received some money from relatives, she stole it all – and I’m not talking about one or two digit numbers but three!
When she didn’t, she always made up some excuse for why she needed that money and insisted until I said “yes.”
The third instance of financial abuse happened just before I moved out, when she asked me to take out a loan so that she could pay off her debts (continuously.)
She said she would pay me back, which I know from experience is not true.
Because the same story always repeated itself, that is, her telling me that she takes care of me, cooks for me, buys me clothes, etc.
But in reality, she bought me:
- second-hand clothes,
- pre-prepared store-bought food
- and food with orange stickers for a 25–50% discount on it (+ it also had tight expiration dates).
I would either have too little food or too much food with extremely tight expiration dates.
Plus, we had debt collectors ringing our doorbell every other day, from several different companies.
My mom always left me home alone on those days and ordered me not to open the door or respond to the ringing in any way.
Sometimes, then, my father would repay those debts, but the story always repeated itself.
Losing My Great – Grandmother
The lack of a nurturing mother figure made my great-grandmother’s presence all the more crucial and impactful.
She was the only relative to ever show me that she really loves me, it even felt like unconditional love.
My great-grandmother always made sure that I had everything I wanted and needed and she took time to hang out with me.
I am who I am today because of her – she taught me how to love, and if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be half as loving a person as I am today.
Love is one of my highest values.
My great-grandmother was my rock, my confidante, and my best friend.
Her sudden and tragic su!c!de when I was only nine years old turned my world upside down.
The emotional turmoil intensified as my parents separated and my younger brother was born.
Don’t get me wrong, my brother is great and I love him very much, but my parents never really had much time for me, especially now that my brother was born, leaving me feeling overlooked and isolated.
The weight of these experiences led me down a dark path, with:
- severe anxiety,
- social anxiety,
- C-PTSD,
- and depression
clouding my every day.
The pain was so overwhelming that I even contemplated ending my own life and resorted to self-h@rm as a way to cope.
My Experience With Anxiety And Social Anxiety
My experience with anxiety included:
- living in constant fear of basically everything – (I had anticipatory anxiety- fear of what will happen in the future)
- I was a personification of fear.
- I was petrified of others’ opinions about me,
- Always overwhelmed either by my own emotions or by the emotions of others (a true spiritual empath),
- a chronic people pleaser,
- had a nasty habit of nail-biting,
- and terrible exam anxiety.
On top of that, I also struggled with a horrible lack of:
- self-confidence,
- self-esteem
- had a negative self-image,
- and struggled with feelings of guilt and shame.
I also struggled with:
- overthinking,
- racing thoughts,
- and automatic negative thoughts (ANTs).
How (Social) Anxiety Influenced My School Days
A photo of the Author “Makeup done by a classmate”
And the consequence of anxiety that stuck with me the most and that still sends chills down my spine, was back in the day when I was still attending Secondary school for Cosmetics, attempting to become a beautician.
We always worked in pairs in our school salon during the work experience classes.
One in the pair was a beautician and the other one was what we called “a model” or a customer.
I absolutely dreaded and couldn’t stand the days when I was the beautician and equally loved the days I could be the customer.
My anxiety was so severe that it made my hands shake uncontrollably and I couldn’t think clearly.
This was of course a recipe for disaster, especially for a beautician – precision and artistry were paramount.
The fact that my anxiety caused my hands to shake uncontrollably, affected my ability to be precise and impacted both my grades and the impressions I made on people, including professors and classmates.
Safe to say none of them liked me
– except for the language teachers hehe! ;D
The event that stuck with me the most, was when I needed to bring a pair of fake eyelashes to school, so I could practice colouring eyelashes properly.
My teacher didn’t allow me to colour my classmate’s eyelashes because it was too dangerous since my hands were so shaky.
And the thing that was a highlight of my social anxiety, was the fact that I never presented anything without social anxiety.
In the first few years of primary school, my parents and teachers had to agree on me not having to give presentations in front of the whole class but rather just in front of the teacher, that’s how bad it was.
My Experience with Depression
My depression mostly included either:
- melancholy or feeling numb,
- insomnia (I could be in bed for 12 hours and still get barely any sleep and wake up tired),
- and isolation (which worked out well for me because I could later use it to work on myself and take time for myself).
Apart from abuse, my depression also resulted from unresolved grief.
My Experience With C-PTSD
The most obvious signs that I had C-PTSD were having flashbacks of abuse throughout the day and C-PTSD nightmares throughout the night.
I had terrible difficulty controlling my emotions, feelings of emptiness, and hopelessness, and constantly living in a fight or flight mode.
However, amidst the darkness, a glimmer of hope emerged in the form of ….
[TO BE CONTINUED…]
Check out my next story to read about my healing journey, where I will mention how I successfully overcame all of the above-listed struggles!
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