Who is Watching You?

This conversation was with a student at MIT. Their name was changed to “Ami Ju” to represent the strength and value they provide to our community. Their story is unique but it’s also very relatable. I hope you enjoy reading about the conversation we had and get as much out of it as we did. Because you never know who might be watching you too…

DEFINING OURSELVES

What about you is important?

Ami Ju: Growing up I struggled with a lot of identity issues. Not quite knowing where I fit and how I identify was something really big for me. Where I grew up there was a lot of racism and it was always really painful because I had to fight everyday to prove that I belonged.

The HollaDay: How has being in school impacted or influenced your relationship with your identity?

A: When I came to college, it was the first time I felt really accepted by a lot of people. When I stepped foot on campus I was accepted as I was, and that was a very new and very necessary feeling — I needed it way more than I had realized.

H: Could you give us an idea of where this acceptance came from?

A: Being around other Black women and in a community like MIT’s Black Women’s Alliance (BWA) was important for me, especially in my first year. It was a support I hadn’t had in that capacity before and it was beautiful. I only have sisters, so being in a community of women was big for me too.

H: Did you ever feel like being in community with women was difficult? We aren’t exactly the expectation of the “Tech Bro” who might be more common on campus.

A: I remember towards the beginning of my first year, I just didn’t know where the women were at! I had a lot of friends that were men and I was in a lot of very men-centered spaces. And all I can remember is being like “this is not where I’m comfortable, this doesn’t feel like home to me.” So when BWA retreat happened and I finally found a community, I was so thankful.

What are some things you’ve been able to do on campus?

Ami’s involvement on campus has been quite the experience. From involvement in cultural orgs like BWA and NSBE to academic orgs like Pi Tau Sigma, Global Teaching Labs, and RoboTeam — she has taken every opportunity MIT has thrown her way. And when MIT didn’t have any opportunities to offer? She’s connected with other students to create those opportunities for themselves, which is why she’s in the process of starting two clubs to create more spaces to build community on campus. And finally, she isn’t afraid to experience herself. So before the world shut down, you might’ve found Ami crawling the Boston concert scene. She told us that even when she went to concerts alone, she almost always ended up finding other MIT students there and would come back to campus together.

How has COVID-19 impacted your experience?

Ami is one of the students who hasn’t been on campus, or even in Boston, since being evacuated last March. She also hasn’t seen anyone from MIT in person with the exception of one friend who visited her for a day. Which is to say, this time has been very isolating. It can be difficult to feel connected to a community when you aren’t physically connected, and this past year has definitely put us all to the test.

Though, this has pushed Ami to find small pockets of community in small ways. Whether that’s exercising with friends over video chat, Zoom birthday calls to make sure everyone feels loved, or simply co-working — there are so many opportunities to make your day to day routine feel like something more substantial. She’s also been exchanging care packages with friends. It could be as small as a letter but letting people know they’re on your mind can make a huge impact.

BOSTON

What brought you to Boston?

Ami’s high school experience set her up to go to school in London. The international school was able to do it’s intended purpose well and Ami didn’t really question that part of her future until her senior year. After applying to a bunch of schools early and getting back acceptances, she wasn’t in love with any of her options. At this point she shifted her focus to schools in America and tried to figure out how to make that happen. Like many of us probably felt, she had a dream school but when applying it didn’t seem practical enough to take a shot at — so Ami almost didn’t apply to MIT. She didn’t think she’d make it so she wasn’t going to try, but she’s so glad she did because the experience here has been great. And honestly, we’re glad she did too because MIT wouldn’t be the same without her.

What has surprised you most about your time here?

The thing that surprised Ami most about MIT was the genuinely collaborative environment. She remembered being skeptical and expecting that to just be something the school markets to yield students. But her freshman fall she had an experience that solidified its truth.

Every fall MIT hosts its career fair where companies pay a lot of money for direct access to the talent the Institute is hosting. Career Fair is so big that students get the day off, printers are jammed with resumes, business attire is strewn across the halls, and company swag fills every hand and bag in sight. But the night before Career Fair there was a first year, who didn’t have any background in coding, staring at her 6.0001 (Introduction to Python) pset and was absolutely lost, on the brink of a breakdown. This troubled first year is our dear friend Ami. And though she felt there was no hope, a kind-eyed senior on her floor offered to help.

They stayed up all night going through this pset. The senior sat with her and explained how things worked, helped her code, and ensured she understood what she was doing. They were up all night. Though they could’ve looked at Ami and gone on about their night, preparing for the next day which could stand between them having a job lined up post grad or not. Instead, they not only took the time but went out of their way to help someone they didn’t even really know. That experience has stuck with Ami throughout her time here at the Institute and it’s not a unique one. Time and time again she’s reminded of the care this community shows and sees people going out of their way to help others. It’s what makes MIT special, so even if the world thinks we’re a bunch of robots and nerds — we know there’s more to us.

HOLLA!

What always keeps you going?

“We move.”

That was Ami’s opening line to her response. She shared that no matter what obstacles hit her, she keeps pushing, she keeps moving. She could be crying while she says it and it’ll still resonate and push her forward. Whether good things are happening or bad things, it’s a statement that’s true for her. I think that’s something we all need, a truism that isn’t based on our environment but is central to who we are.

She used to operate out of fear and let that motivate her. Specifically, the fear of regret, she never wanted to look back and think “I regret not doing that thing, not taking that leap.” Ami told us this isn’t necessarily the healthiest way to approach things. She’s evolved to a place where she can motivate herself by making herself proud and doing things she cares about. So now it’s less “I don’t want to regret not doing it” and a lot more “I want to enjoy doing this.”

Ami knew MIT would be hard and this is a place where she has struggled a lot. This is also a place where she has managed to overcome so many obstacles that she never would’ve thought she’d be able to.

What do you love about Black women?

“I hadn’t been given the permission to just be and exist until I was surrounded by Black women. They see me as I am. That would have to be my favorite thing.”

Ami shares with us there’s not need to be strong or to be weak or to be anything. You can just be a person and they affirm that’s enough. She said she’s thankful that there’s a space where she can just be human and not carry the weight of all the caricatures and stereotypes. “I’m me and I’m very seen.”

This conversation has been unlike any other. Yes, it forced us to reflect deeper on our own experiences. But, more importantly it made us ask the question: Who is watching? All of our spotlights are of people we watch, but who is watching us? Even when we don’t think they are? Who might we be impacting without even trying? We’re so thankful for the time that was shared with us in preparation for this piece. They are a light in our community and we are forever grateful for their work — now and in the future. Take some time today to check in on a friend!

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