Mama… what’s rape?
“The morning news was telling us about snow while they were looking for a rapist.”
The TV spoke of it. The morning news was telling us about snow while they were looking for a rapist.
Snow and Rape
Rape and Snow
To tell you the honest truth, all winter it’s been rape and snow. Every dawn in NYC, the morning news tells us where rapes happened and if it’s going to snow.
One topic is benign. The other one isn’t.
My 6 year old son stops playing with his trains while he hears the word.
Razi — Mama… what’s rape?
He says it so loud and cavalier Keith and I are shaken by its casualness. People whispered “rape” when I was a child.
I explain what it is to him and he nods. I don’t think he completely understands but he goes back to playing with his trains.
Explaining it sucks.
Me — It’s when one person forces another person to have sex
Razi — How can you force them?
Me — It’s a sexual assault, like how I explained if someone touches your penis without your consent
Razi — Consent is a yes right?
Me — Yes, consent is when you say yes
Razi — But why would someone try to hurt me?
Me — Because there are bad people in the world but the good people outweigh them
LORD….it’s endless and sometimes I don’t even think I’m doing a good job of it. But sometimes a crack of light appears and I get a sign I’m getting through.
Let me explain.
Having a child on the Autism spectrum means that sometimes you have no idea if they heard you at all. It’s maddening.
They’re smart as HAIL….but oh that fog of autism ….that “every noise at the same level”???…well it’s maddening.
The other morning, a week after Razi asked me what rape was, I was drying him off after his bath. I was doing the “pat pat pat” I do with my kids.
Me — Don’t rub your skin. Pat it dry…pat pat pat
I say it as I pat his little booty dry.
Razi grimaces
Razi — You hurt me
Me — Huh?
Razi — That hurts Mama
Me — That hurts? I’m sorry Bud…Oh dang, can you forgive me?
Razi — No
Me — No?? Why?
Razi — You didn’t ask me
I’m floored
Razi — You always pat me dry and you never ask me…that makes me sad
I’m freaked out but I’m proud. He has agency and I wasn’t getting it.
Me — I’m sorry…and you’re right, I’m supposed to ask. Mama’s just so used to taking care of her baby I just jump in there
Razi — You have to ask
Me — Good. I will from now on
It’s quiet
Me — Can I dry you off?
Razi — No
Me — How are you getting dry?
He thinks about it.
Razi — Can you dry me off?
Me — Yup
I pat his tiny brown body dry and look into his eyes with each pat. I’m proud, a little ashamed and feeling small in the scope of the world. But it’s a good smallness because even though I don’t have all the answers to give my kids, I know the answers are out there. (smile)
And I know that my children must learn boundaries …starting with me. Because if I don’t respect their boundaries I’m setting them up to be disrespected by others.
Now ….Razi may not know exactly what rape is… but he knows consent.
He knows his body is not public space. He knows how to tell someone they make him feel bad. He knows how to tell someone they must ASK.
These are all things I couldn’t do at his age.
There are moments in life where you may be shoved, groped, kicked, slapped or unfortunately… raped.
Something is taken from you. Your spirit disappears into defeat, your soul goes dark and all that’s left is the stinging rage and sadness that YOU have to sit in YOUR BODY after it’s been ransacked.
But sometimes we are groomed there.
Sometimes we are nudged there through no fault of our own. This is why when we are assaulted this way we ask ourselves “What HAPPENED????”
We should be asking “What didn’t happen?” because EVERYTHING happened, Everything was done to bring you to that dark place.
You. Were. Targeted. And very often that first incident, nudging you down that dark place starts with the a little tiny blur…that touch.
But my Razi….He looked me square in the eye and said the uncomfortable but necessary thing.
Razi — You have to ask
And right then my heart grew bigger.
Thank you my little love
Thank you for Clarifying THAT
#TheStraightTruth
#YesIamThatMom
