“Just like a bad play, people forget what they’re supposed to do and cast members fight”
My husband walks away from me when I can’t find my keys. He doesn’t respect my pain of losing them anymore. He knows I only search for about 90 seconds before all hell breaks loose.
He leans against the wall and watches me slowly unravel and when I’ve hit peak anger, completely sweaty in my coat….
Keith — Did you look in your pocket?
Me — Um DUH …Did I LOOK in my coat POCKET?!!! What the hell kind of question is……
And then I realize I didn’t look in my pocket. They are right there. IN. MY. POCKET.
My husband shakes his head and goes back to the life he was living.
I’m his wife. He’s been down this road a million times the 21 years we’ve been together. We’ve gotten the point where we both know he’s not sweating this nonsense. He’s here. In it for the long haul. Not going NOWHERE.
And guess what? He’s gonna throw a doozy on me sometime very soon because that’s what marriage is.
I guess I never tried to escape my marriage. So it just unfolds like a bad play because that’s what the best marriages are … bad plays.
Just like a bad play, people forget what they’re supposed to do and cast members fight and sometimes we don’t know who’s directing or producing.
Sometimes the audience (your kids and family) are really not entertained by what you’re doing all the time and pretty much BOOOOO!!!
Or they sit back and watch you make an ass of yourself trying to make a big number happen, like a children’s birthday party.
You ever put together a children’s birthday party?!
You will need SEVERAL drinks.
But dammit that play was interesting right???
Did you think your play was gonna be perfect, really?
With no dress rehearsal? Seriously????
You thought you were gonna get a FLAWLESS Un-Technically Rehearsed, Non Union, FULL ON Production???
The writers couldn’t even keep up with you!
At best, marriage is a solid dress rehearsal with an incredible producer looking out for your sole interests.
I was at Crossfit one day when Hal, a very cool trainer with the sickest pull ups, was hanging with a cute no-nonsense young woman.
We see each other and smile.
Hal — Hey Hollie, you know Jen’s my wife?
Me — Oh! Of course she’s your wife
Hal — How’d you know?
They both stare inquisitively.
Me — Well, she kissed you and then yelled at you about your socks. That’s a wife
Hal — Yup that’s my wife
Hal’s Wife Jen — Damn Straight
And then Hal’s Wife Jen took a swig from his water bottle, told him it tastes stale and dumped it out in the sink
Because she cares.
She’s gonna take care of him.
Hal ain’t gonna die from dirty water, ever…. at least not on Jen’s watch.
And my husband will always have sugar free syrup at brunch because he knows I’ve smuggled it in my purse since 2003 and he knows I can’t look at a human head on a animal body cause it disrupts my soul, so he will move hell and high water so I don’t have to see it because….. I have issues too.
Helping incomplete people live a complete day.
Over and over again
The kids observe us while we petty-fight in the car on the weekends. From the back seat they watch us volley back and forth til one of us remembers something funny that happened in the 90’s and we start dying laughing and the kids spend ten minutes drawing the story out of us, but its not as funny as when it happened. But my husband and I share that look…
“Remember us Then?”
And we do. And part of that is what keeps us going. Knowing that person you wake up with is the same person who frantically searched for you during the 2002 blackout.
The same person you ran out onto the street with, screaming with joy, Election Night ‘08.
We don’t always know what we’re gonna do. But we know we’re gonna do it together.
I hope our kids take away that you can have conflict and its OK. No one has to leave. Marriage is BASICALLY playing for the team and not being an asshole. And most importantly, knowing that it is not your spouse’s job to make you happy.
That is your job, to find happiness and then share it with the ones you love…let that be the goal.
One time when I was 8 I was chewing a piece of gum for way too long. I didn’t want to spit it on the ground because…littering… so I just swallowed it.
My best friend Randy flipped out.
Randy — Oh Mah Gawd Hollie!!!!! That’s gonna be STUCK in your body for like FIVE YEARS !!!
Randy — (bigger) FIVE YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me — Uh….I’ll be around
She squinted, cocked her head to the side and walked away.
I kept jumping rope under the afternoon sun.
………….Guess I‘ve always been built for marriage.
#The Straight Truth