Spoons

“He sees the world in a very definite way”

Giving Razi a bath

He is 5 years old

He stares down at his stuff with a smile

Razi — Mama my penis is awesome!”

Me — Yup it is Bud

It’s quiet

Me — Bud are you peeing in the bathtub?

Razi — No Mama”

His smile turns to squinty concern

Razi — But, Mama can I get out now?

…………..OK now I’m dead from laughter.

My son KILLS me, daily…and the type of adoration I have for him is something I didn’t even know was possible until I had him.

My daughter Luna, now 11, was first. She was an indescribably beautiful baby. People used to stop us on the street. She looked like the baby-doll I had as a child…Fate blessing me

And she is, as Bostonians say, “WICKED SMAAHT”.

She read at 3, has a photographic memory and is prime example of a first child

She has the confidence of a mediocre white man in a brilliant and beautiful Black Girl body

She skipped first grade and could very well be our first woman president …although I PRAY it doesn’t take that long

I’m protective of her and her tender heart. She reminds me of myself quite often. But she is WAY more academic than I ever was. She clocks who’s number one and two in her class all the time. It makes me smile

Razi, AKA Bud, is the wild card

He’s sweet, tough, wild and cautious all at once

He names all his toy NYC subway trains and puts their birthdays on the calendar

His G train…. has a name and BIRTHDAY….on our hallway Calendar.

He knows every subway stop and often tells me to remember the MTA weekend schedule. And he’s always right

Whenever I hear the conductor say “This train will be making express stops” I think “Goddammitt I should have listened to Bud!”

But his heart is tender too

Whoever said boys aren’t sensitive is full of shit. Boys are extremely sensitive. It’s our way of thinking that dulls them. That dulling is our misguided attempt to help them process the world, through what we THINK, is a lens of strength

A house on fire, must feel the burn to know they are in danger. Some men burn to the ground and never call 911. They don’t smell the smoke til they can’t breathe. I don’t want that for my son

We discovered Razi was on the autism spectrum at 2 and a half. It knocked the wind out of us but hubby and I are do-ers. So we whipped out the yellow notepad and fought tirelessly to get him services

Speech, OT and PT are as much a part of his life as water and air

His speech has exploded these past three years and I take full advantage of it

My son cuddles up on me daily. We play the “Whisper Game” where he whispers something completely nonsensical in my ear and I whisper something insanely ridiculous back. We do this a dozen or so times, topping each other til they get so outrageous we fall out laughing

It’s our prelude to our mom-son giant hug. We fall out in laughter and then he burrows into my chest so hard, it makes me wonder if he remembers being inside my tummy and is trying to work his way back

I feel his hot breath against my cheek and relish in the fact that this little boy is MINE!

MY SON.

Right now he’s all about Bad Smells.

Like he LOVES ratched smells. The funkier the better.

He’ll walk over to me, lift up my arm, sniff my pit and say “Oh mama stinks so good!!!!”

He’s a hardcore eccentric and I love it. I don’t want him to think like everyone else. I am not impressed by the basic and mundane

Sometimes I try to understand why he loves bad smell so much

Me — Razi why do you love stinky stuff so much?

Razi — Cause it’s so bad, it like, passes through yellow and blue into GREEN

Me — So It’s like…..EVERYTHING huh?

Razi — Yeah…it goes all the way to GREEN

Call me crazy…but I think I understand. He likes levels and layers. Dude is deep

And he sees the world in a very definite way

And that’s all I need….for my child to have a definite way

His Definite Way makes me smile

It lets me know he walks through this world with a sense of self

You see, we’re aware of who we are from the time we leave the womb

But many of us just don’t know that

We spend years looking at the world as one big Fork in the road

My Bud sees life as something to enjoy, smell, taste, hear and feel

A pool to jump in and lap it up

No forks for Razi

My son sees a Spoon

#KidMouthRunning

#YesIAmThatMom