The Importance of Being There
“There are the lessons that come out with TIME and space. They can’t be scheduled in a power hour”
Luna walks up to me as I’m glued to MSNBC. I’m watching Ari Melber while I fry catfish.
Luna — Where’s Daddy?
Oh no…here we go
Me — Remember how Daddy said he was going out with his office next Tuesday?
She shrugs
Me — Well today’s that Next Tuesday
Her eyes grow wide.
Luna — Daddy’s not coming home tonight?!
Me — (exasperated) Babygirl he didn’t run AWAY, he’ll be home by midnight!
Luna — But he’s missing dinner!!
Me — Daggone! Can your father go out with his friends sometimes? I mean CAN the man have friends?!
Luna — No!
And she stomps away.
Damn
Luna doesn’t want Keith to go anywhere.
ANYWHERE
And I kinda love it.
From the moment she was born he’s been just a much a presence and influence as me. He loves her with all his heart.
When Luna was 2 to 5 years old Keith took her to afternoon puppet shows at The Brooklyn Library’s main branch while I had rehearsals with my sketch comedy crew.
They had a whole world without me every Saturday, and for a spell I was quite jealous. I fell in love with my baby and wanted every damn minute of my life with her. Sometimes I’d just play with her for hours and then stare at her while she napped .
“How can one child be so perfect?” I’d think.
Well she’s not perfect but I don’t think I could have gotten a better daughter on all fronts.
Smarts? Check
Humor? Check
Beauty? Check
Heart? Check
Luna was that first baby that got languished over. She was and IS my ACE.
She’s also Keith’s ACE.
Over the years I have learned to share.
Keith and Luna developed a whole life on their own and witnessing it has made me think about how our time with our parents affect us.
In the 80’s and 90’s I always heard about “Quality Time”. Usually it was in defense of not being there a lot, with one citing “I only see my kids for a half hour at night but its quality time ”
Um…OK…. But honestly kids just want you there.
They don’t need you to structure their lives. They need you to show them how to live.
They need you to show them how every day is a winding road and that the ability to entertain yourself on very little is often the very best thing you can learn.
Yes we want piano lessons and girl scouts and swim lessons and pee we whatever. But sometimes you need to just take a walk around your neighborhood and then the next neighborhood and the next and next. Doing that might spark one of those life conversations you didn’t even realize existed within you.
At least once a weekend the family takes a semi-long to a straight-up long walk and Luna asks me to tell her a story.
Watching the buildings go by reminds me of my childhood in Philly and Keith of his in East New York and out the tales fall.
Luna — Mama tell me a story
Me — What year?
I need a year.
Luna — Um, when you were 12
I tell her the story of a science project that went horribly awry and Keith chimes in with his junior high stories of being chased by gangs on the way home from the subway.
Sometimes we get in the car and ride around his old neighborhood and you can see the past rush back to him.
Often he busts out laughing, remembering some pure stupidity he and his friends survived.
He’ll recall what song that was playing on the radio and for a moment he’ll disappear inside the memory.
Then Luna will pluck a name from the story and ask “Where is he now Dad?”
Keith — Oh he died…a while back…young and got caught up
These are the same conversations I had with my dad that I completely cherish. There’s nothing like looking into the youth of your father and seeing a life lesson up close.
From my husbands stories I’ve sussed out that witnessing the demise of so many young Black men taught him how to stick around.
There are the lessons that come out with TIME and space. They can’t be scheduled in a power hour. It has to happen as our bodies relax, our minds open up and souls take flight.
The best days I have as a mom are the ones where I witness my daughter teach her little brother something that obviously came from their dad. She takes the care to explain it to him and I can hear her dad’s voice as she speaks.
“He’s right in her heart” I tell myself.
The worst days as a mom are the ones where I fear death and wonder what will become of my children.
Every parent fears this and I never even thought about it before I had them. But now that I do think about it, the recurring thought goes through my head is “I HAVE TO LIVE”.
My mind travels to a horrible place where the kids are left without me and its hard to breathe because I belong here, doting on them, loving them, cooking for them, hugging and kissing them.
I think about them and how much my passing would injure them and Keith. It takes me to a place no one likes to go to.
But what helps me breathe, what help me not go all the way down the rabbit hole is knowing Keith will be there. ALWAYS.
He is their dad and they love him as much as they love me.
If I leave this earth they will be broken but the three of them will mend each other back together and carry on.
It’s not anywhere near perfect but they will be OK.
Knowing there’s a person in the world that is as much an anchor in their lives as me, that has just as many memories and secrets as me, lets me exhale.
Knowing that he WILL love them through every rough night where they ache for me ….. lets me breathe.
He’ll tell them “Mama STILL loves you. WE made you together and I KNOW she is watching”.
And it will be true.
Because every mama needs her babies to be OK.
But they also have Dad.
Who planted the seed, protected them and watched them grow
And one joyous day witnessed them burst through
Into the light
Where they will stay
#TheStraightTruth
#YesIAMThatMom
