Homeland reloaded
‘Home in dialogue’ is a chain of questions asked between and written by those who have left or returned to their homeland and those who live in between countries. This model of collective blog posting is inspired by Enrol Yourself’s Learning Marathon which we recommend with ardour. Below you will find my response to the question of what it has meant for me personally to return to Hungary after living abroad in the last few years.
I’ve kept this question just to be in my head for a few days. Well because the answer shortly is: it’s a joy and mayhem depends on the day… All in all I am still in a transition although I know something has been changed forever so I won’t be the same as I was before I left Hungary. Not that is a problem. Just a fact.
I’ve been living in three countries recently, first in Great-Britain (London, Manchester), in Portugal (Lisbon, Algés) and in Austria (Vienna). I travelled twice all a cross Europe so I can call myself without any doubt a European physically and mentally. I arrived back to Hungary three months ago.
I came back because I wanted to slow down and give attention to myself from an other angle. Living abroad was a kind of self-attention but a more “structured” way: look after myself mentally, be conscious with my mental and physical health, challenging myself with everyday happenings or (in London) be in a constant survival mode. However back in Hungary my focus is rather smooth no matter how hard is to be present or relevant in my old-new context. Probably because of my past which surrounds me as a net..
This transition status is the hardest in many ways and eats so much energy so the only way I can be sane is doing yoga (almost) every day, walking in the nature, and forcing myself doing things alone. I imagine it is similar as the balloon which escaped from a kid’s hand and fled away in the sky. It is in between two things: the known and the unknown. That’s my reality too: this in-between.
I am also in my 40’s which means most of my friends have kids, or they get used to that I am not here, I moved out from Hungary and from their life too. I know this is even more complex but there are too many complex things are in my life now so I try to simplify few things. This loneliness is different than being alone in abroad. Being alone at home is more layered (with past, known people, places, etc.) than as being alone as a foreigner.
But those years in abroad have taught me so much strength to stand up in almost every situation. On harder days I am thinking about the people who I’ve met, the (sometimes) magical relations, words what encouraged me, hugs, smiles which all helped me along the way and help me today and will tomorrow till I am still here or challenge myself somewhere else in the following years. It’s like a luggage with me: everything is mine in it. Experiences, people, places, everything. And I love this luggage. Moreover I am proud of it. Keeps me on the ground and gives me the opportunity to fly away again. Whatever I choose.
