DHS Introduces its “Which Face at the Border?” Campaign
WASHINGTON — For years now, DHS has been promoting its “One Face at the Border” (OFAB) initiative (otherwise known as “One Team, One Big Fight”) with little results. They have therefore decided to replace this relic with the more popular “Which Face at the Border?” (WFAB?) campaign. For WFAB?, DHS has created a downloadable mobile app which allows an individual to view and vote on which face is the right one for the border.
The “One Face at the Border” initiative was originally initiated in 2003 by then DHS Secretary Tom Ridge. Its purpose was to bring together the previously separated immigration, customs, and agriculture functions at US air, land, and sea ports of entry, to institute a unified border inspection process. It has yet to catch-on according to officials. As one legacy DHS employee, who wished to remain anonymous, told us, “It [OFAB] would’ve been a great way to move the ports into a unified force because it would’ve made everyone on one team going forward. Instead, it wasn’t supported by those who wanted to keep their little kingdoms separated. To this day, even though we’ve been [air quotes, eye roll] one team for a very long time, we are still divided up into customs duties and immigration duties — it’s all watered down though — not like the old days.”
So after talking to employees like the one above and after years of the shortening of the American attention span due to Reality TV and apps like Tinder and Twitter, the coordinated border design, OFAB, which was supposed to allow for shared resources, reduction of redundancies, and generally help the inspection process go faster, has been entirely thrown out by DHS.
The “Which Face at the Border?” (WFAB?) campaign is a program which allows individuals to download and use a free app similar to Tinder to choose the next face at the border. If you like a face, swipe the photo to the right; otherwise, swipe to the left.
To make it more interactive, even if you are not a DHS employee, you can submit your own face. All you need to do is create a simple profile with a handful of photos and a few sentences about yourself, then throw yourself to the Internet’s mercy.
The app itself is very easy to use. The modern swipe and scroll capabilities encourages the user to make shallow, snap judgments about the potential border face. To vote, the app displays the faces of those participating in WFAB? starting with the area closest to the voter and then the more time the voter spends on the app, the more wide the voting are gets until you eventually get to vote for the whole country. The system uses Bluetooth and other Wi-Fi-enabled devices in “discoverable” mode to set the locations.
The best part of all this? The wining face of the WFAB? program (due to be chosen in Summer 2017) will be plastered at all ports of entry, as well as on all DHS websites. Then plastic, hypoallergenic, photo-realistic masks created in the winner’s image will be immediately put into production for distribution to officers in the field. Once all masks have been issued, the WFAB? campaign will be a true success.
Download the WFAB? App now and let the voting begin!
*SATIRICAL POST WARNING*
Posted by Pivotal Planning Team — www.theleeksatire.com
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