Lay Off of TSA.
So it begins. Somebody (or in this case, admittedly a lot of somebodies) in a few different somewheres were *gasp* inconvenienced, and they’re all Mad As Hell about it. What is it this time? Ah yes, Long Lines. Long Lines are suddenly in the news. Whether it’s the Secretary of the Veterans Administration likening vets waiting for critical medical attention to fanny-packed slobs hoping to ride Big Thunder Mountain Railroad at Disney World, or in the case of this op-ed, perpetually squeezed (pun intended) and embattled airline passengers…Long Lines are a thing. Social media, 24/7 cable news, and the “outrage” industry are likely making this seem worse than it actually is, though as always, perception can be everything.
Whether reality or perception, the current unpleasantness has already landed TSA Administrator Peter Neffenger in the principal’s office, (a.k.a Congressional Hearings), and everyone, including him, seems to have an opinion on how to fix everything so that the full-throated whining will return to the usual dull roar. Unsurprisingly, someone has already been fired over it. In this case, Kelly Hoggan, the now former head of TSA Security Operations.
I must admit I’m biased towards Mr. Neffenger. When he was still in the Coast Guard we were stationed together in Cleveland and he was my boss’s boss’s boss’s boss’s boss. Plus or minus a boss. Still, I was on his intelligence staff and he once asked me a question about something during one of his regular intelligence briefs. I think the question may have been “How was your weekend?” but still. He also recognized me five years and half a world later when he was Vice Commandant and visiting the Coast Guard detachment in Bahrain, which was kind of cool. Anyway, my impression of him, to quote Maude from The Big Lebowski is that “He’s a good man…and thorough.”
The screeners themselves are the easiest of targets. Average screener pay was surprisingly hard to nail down, but one site claimed that as of 2012, a Transportation Security Officer (TSO) could expect to be paid anywhere from 22 to 38 grand a year. Granted, what they’re doing doesn’t appear to be highly technical or require a ton of critical thought…but let’s face it, these people are still just about the only thing between you and a possibly terrifying, probably fiery (and if you’re lucky) hopefully quick death at 36,000 feet. And while I’ve personally never experienced a surly or rude TSO, I do “get” it. When your primary job is to expeditiously and safely move a lot of people through an assembly line-esque process that requires said people to be active participants, bedside manner isn’t technically a requirement and can actually be a detriment.
Let’s focus on that “active participant” thing because it’s important. When you get in a security line at an airport, you are not a passive observer. You are part and parcel of how quickly everyone gets through that line. This means that aside from being generally alert and aware of your surroundings you should consider the following: Have your identification ready. Have your tickets ready. Unless your pants are going to fall down and your feet smell, take your belt and shoes off…wait for it…before you get to the x-ray machine. Be ready to pop your laptop out of your bag and into a bin. If you have most any kind of liquid, too late. It’s as good as trash. Get all of that random crap out of your pockets and into your bag ahead of time. Stop texting. And for the Love of Dear Lord Baby Jesus…DO NOT argue with or sea lawyer the TSOs. Like arguing with a cop, there is absolutely zero upside and you might find yourself detained or arrested.
Even worse, you’re holding me up. You’re wasting my time. You’re the one causing this obnoxiously long line and maybe even causing innocent travelers to miss their flights. That TSO really is just doing their job. And while I think it’s fair to expect a minimum amount of professionalism from them, that doesn’t mean they are required to kiss your ass. Because if they have to kiss your ass they have to kiss everyone’s ass meaning this journey we’re all taking together through the security line would take even longer. Which we’re trying to avoid…right? Think strategically.
I realize that air travel has become a virtually essential part of modern life, but it’s not an absolute right. Expecting the federal government to protect its citizens is, and I really can’t think of a more literal way that government routinely and visibly does that than by a government TSO (or in San Francisco, TSA regulated private TSOs) shuttling thousands of passengers through security and ensuring things like guns, bombs, and the many people who want to use them on you, your family, or your friends don’t make it onto a flight where there is literally no escape.
It has become glib and sorta clichéd at this point to say the “terrorists” have “won” by forcing such tedium. And I’m not suggesting TSA can’t improve or should stop looking for better ways of doing business. But I’m guessing if a hypothetical airline in a hypothetical world were to offer screening-free commercial flights the amount of “give me liberty or give me death” tough guys who would actually take said flights wouldn’t account for the current level of snark and high dudgeon plaguing internets and teevees across the fruited plain.
