Mexican Government Awards Contract to El Chapo, Inc. for Tunnel Construction

MEXICO CITY — Mexican President Enrique Peña-Nieto announced today that the government has awarded a public work contract to El Chapo, Inc. to build as many tunnels as needed along the United States and Mexico border to facilitate future “commerce and trade” between the two countries in the unlikely event of a Trump US Presidency.

The much anticipated deal is the first time that the Mexican government has publicly announced its intention and plans in response to the U.S. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s campaign promise to build a sometimes 20 feet tall, other times 30 feet tall wall along the U.S. and Mexican border. Indeed, Mr. Trump’s wall is promised to be higher and higher as it gets closer and closer to the Republican convention. Mr. Trump has said that his wall would cost approximately $10 billion and that the Mexican government will pay for it.

Trump expressing his endearment for Mexico at a rally in Tuscon.

Mexican former presidents Felipe Calderón and Vicente Fox have used colorful language in expressing their opposition. Nevertheless, President Peña-Nieto has to be a bit more diplomatic. Despite his statement in the press last month that there was “no scenario” under which Mexico will pay for the wall and drawing analogies between Trump and Hitler and Mussolini, President Pena-Nieto is forced to rethink his position. Hence, the public works contract with El Chapo.

El Chapo, Inc., a privately held company specializing in logistics and tunnels construction, recently won notoriety in the Mexican press for its success in building a tunnel under very challenging circumstances and environment. In July 2015, it completed a mile long tunnel, fitted with a lighting and ventilation system for notorious Sinaloa drugs cartel kingpin, Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán, to escape from Altiplano Prison, near Mexico City. The tunnel was thirty feet below the ground and ran from a hole under the shower in Guzmán’s cell to a hole in a construction site 0.7 mile away from the prison. In recently released videotapes of El Chapo Guzmán’s cell during the days and weeks before his escape, loud hammering and construction noises were clearly audible. Yet, prison guards were apparently oblivious while tuning into the latest episode of The Real Housewives of Mexico City on their security system monitors.

The actual moment El Chapo got away!

Despite appearances and rumors, El Chapo, Inc. and “El Chapo” Guzmán denied any association other than the one time deal they made at Altiplano Prison. However, “El Chapo” Guzmán had high praises for the company and intimated that he was considering engaging its services for another “very discreet” project in the near future, depending on news of whether he might be extradited to the US to face murder, kidnapping and drugs charges.

Some cynics wonder if today’s announcement was prompted by news reports about the Panama papers. El Chapo, Inc. was in the news earlier this week for being exposed in the Panama papers leak as having multi-billion dollars in assets, much more than was reported in its tax filings and financial disclosure papers to the Mexican government. The Panama papers also revealed that Mossack Fonseca was assisting the company in diversifying into legitimate businesses at home and abroad. Top-level talks were taking place among the company’s executives and that of pharmaceutical giants around the world and biotech start-ups in the U.S.

Sources close to President Peña-Nieto disclosed to The LEEK that he hatched this brilliant plan to contract with El Chapo, Inc. to build tunnels through Mr. Trump’s wall as a win-win proposition for all three entities involved.

“We have the money and the equipment to get the job done,” says Ana Velazco Ramirez, representative from El Chapo, Inc.

El Chapo, Inc. will pay the Mexican government a staggering $20 billion over four years for permits and inspection fees. $10 billion will be earmarked to pay for the Trump wall with the goal of maintaining good U.S. and Mexican relations. The Mexican government will use the remaining $10 billion for an anti-drug education campaign similar to the “Just Say No” campaign in the U.S. A public work contract with the Mexican government will give El Chapo, Inc. the legitimacy and endorsement that it needs to move into the global pharmaceutical sales market. Last but not least, Mr. Trump will get his wall. The fact that it will be rendered ineffective because of the El Chapo tunnels, among other reasons, is only a testament to the ingenuity of all parties involved.

*SATIRICAL POST WARNING*

Posted by Pivotal Planning Team — www.theleeksatire.com

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