Offended or Empowered
Who’s the keeper of your power?
Yesterday I had someone tell me that I had offended him. At first I thought, ‘dang, I didn’t mean to be offensive,’ although for some of us, it’s harder to avoid than for others. As I thought further about the comment and the context in which it was framed I thought, “Well that’s rich.” My “offensive” behavior was in response to this individual’s actions from months earlier, which had compelled me to initiate some research to validate or disprove his assertions of me. The interpretation of another’s actions, coupled with the response is at the heart of conflict.
Today, as I struggle to drag myself to the 30,000 foot level and think about the relevance of this small interaction to Homeland Security, I see the tell tail signs of collusion. It is the dark thread that keeps the need for Homeland Security alive. Using the language of the Arbinger Institute,[1] I think it’s fair to say that this individual and I are “in the box” toward each other. Essentially that means we’re struggling to see each other as people. We’re both failing to recognize the humanity within each other and consequently we are both ignoring the needs of the other and exerting a great deal of energy trying to justify our own actions. EXHAUSTING!!!
As I ponder the concept of “being offended” I’m reminded that to be so is a choice. What is it about being offended that strikes me as being strange?? Perhaps it’s the fact that when we get offended, we’ve empowered everyone but ourselves. Our freedom is dependent on our willingness to own our reactions, interpretations, and view of others.
Let’s face it, when we say things like, “You made me do or feel ‘X,’” what you’ve really said is, “I’ve allowed you to control me at such a deep level that I now feel justified in my reaction.” The beauty of this is you rarely have to take responsibility for poor behavior, whether that’s simply acting out against an individual, or attacking another country. After all, they left you no choice. Additionally, we invite the very behavior in others we claim to disdain because it feeds the coffers of justification. I say break the cycle!
The diagrams below are renditions of the Freedom concept, described in Arbinger terms.
· No Freedom means just that. Reaction A, B or C are dictated by the source of the stimulus, rendering the recipient a helpless victim of circumstances.
· Freedom to Choose your Reaction is the first level of freedom. Being offended is a choice. Perhaps a little self-reflection into why someone else’s behavior or comments are offensive would be worthwhile, but first and foremost, accept that your reaction is your choice.
· Freedom to interpret the stimulus is the next level. Consider that on any given day the same stimulus can be interpreted completely differently than another depending on your frame of mind, one has to ask, what makes the difference? Oftentimes, we see what we want to see and when it comes to conflict, we see confrontation, even when it may not actually be there. It’s just too delicious a temptation to see anything but the very stimulus we claim to disdain, then conveniently, that interpretation justifies us perpetuating the conflict.
The final level of Freedom is with the very way we view our fellow human beings. We make assumptions daily about different people, organizations, or cultures. How quickly we can objectify our fellow man, viewing them as a tool, obstruction or irrelevancy, yet again opening the door to justifying poor behavior on our own parts. Empathy, compassion and an attempt to understand take little effort. Doing it because it is the right thing to do, and not because there is an expectation of reciprocal behavior is where the real freedom lives.
As we formulate our decisions on all tiers of our personal life or that within the vast mission of Homeland Security, we must continually ask ourselves, have we made every effort to truly understand the situation. Are we basing our decisions on what we want to see, or what’s truly there.
[1] The Arbinger Institute, https://arbinger.com/.
