[satire] Putin, Trump, and Sanders Named in Panama Papers
WASHINGTON — In the midst of global news outlets reporting the massive leak of confidential documents exposing corporate tax shelter schemes by world leaders and celebrities, the LEEK obtained breaking news of its own: high profile Americans are among the thieves, thugs, and hypocrites who have been evading legal taxation through offshore shelters.
The documents leak, known as the Panama papers, is as large as 11.5 million documents. The documents reveal, among others, 12 current and former world leaders who publicly championed the cause of anti-corruption but with the help of the law firm Mossack Fonseco, have been breeding crimes and robbing national treasuries by hiding their wealth in offshore accounts and evading taxes. Among the hypocrites are families of Chinese Premier Xi Jinping, and Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko.
Among the law firm’s long list of high profile clients, the thugs and criminals include at least 33 people who have been doing business with Mexican drug lords, terrorist organizations like Hezbollah or rogue nations like North Korea and Iran. Russian leader Vladimir Putin and his associates disguised payments, backdated documents and moved $200 millions of dollars at a time among various shell companies created by the law firm and global banks like HSBC.
Curiously missing from Sunday news report is identity of Americans who are also involved. The LEEK, unconstrained by the facts and journalistic principles, worked tirelessly with its confidential sources. It is the first American news outlet to confirm that there are, indeed, Americans who are among Mossack Fonseca’s most shameless clients.
Among the short list of Mossack Fonseca’s high profile American clients is Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump. However, documents revealed that despite Mr. Trump’s claim that “I’m rich, really rich” his entire business holdings are actual shells. They were created exclusively for Mr. Trump’s bragging purposes and not tax evasion. There never were any revenues or profits associated with them. Instead of paying the typical $500,000 retainer like everyone else, Mr. Trump successfully negotiated a payment plan with the law firm. He is the only client whose files contained multiple overdue notices. Mr. Trump’s fortune may be on the rise, however. Late last year, Mossack Fonseca helped Mr. Trump set up an offshore company specializing in walls construction, poised to capitalize in the fantastical event Mr. Trump is elected to the White House.
Not to be outdone in the race for top hypocrite, Democratic Presidential Candidate Bernie Sander’s net worth is in the range of $60 billion, more than that of Facebook Founder Mark Zuckerberg. Documents revealed that Sanders earned his wealth through sales and royalties of his 1987 Folk music album called “We Shall Overcome.” The album is little known in the US but was, and still is, wildly popular in Russia. The Russian dissident punk rock band Pussy Riot played it as a tribute to Mr. Sanders in its sold out concert last December, earning him an additional $220,000 overnight in royalty.
Reached for comment in a seedy hotel in one of Moscow’s slum where he has been living as a fugitive under the protection of Russian President Putin, Edward Snowden characterized the Panama papers leak as “insignificant” compared to his own because it’s “only about a bunch of cheats”. “The leaker is probably nothing more than a disgruntle employee of the law firm. The media is making too much of this because no national security secrets were compromised and no blood will be spilled compared to what I did in 2013,” said Snowden. “Amateurish publicity hound,” he concluded. “I am still the top traitor of the decade,” proclaimed Snowden.
*SATIRICAL POST WARNING*
Posted by Pivotal Planning Team — www.theleeksatire.com
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