[satire] Apple to Donate Recycled Gold to Victims of Privacy Invasion
CUPERTINO, CA — How does a billion dollar company make millions off of recycled goods? Apple knows and now we know too. Apple has found a way to make millions off of old, broken, unwanted, cell phones. In the annual environmental report released this week, it was revealed that Apple had recovered 2,204 pounds of gold from recycled iPhones, iPads, and Macs last year alone. The estimated value of the gold was approximately $40 million.
The report also indicated that of the 90 million pounds of waste in Apple’s recycling program, 61 million was in reusable materials. And even though gold was only a small portion of the weight, the fact that it trades at $1,200 per troy ounce made it the most valuable recyclable product.
The LEEK was curious as to exactly what Apple planned to use their “recycled” income for, so we used our insider contact to get the scoop. A U.S. federal government confidential source, who also happens to be one of The LEEK’s sources of information, secretly stole Apple’s budget plans for next fiscal year. The plans indicated that all proceeds from the recycled gold would be going to victims of privacy invasion.
The confidential source was also able to speak to Tim Cook casually in the elevator and found out that for every person whose phone was cracked into by the federal government, Apple would donate $1 million dollars. Cook stated that he felt it was the right thing to do. He elaborated on the fact that he felt it was Apple’s duty to protect the people and that if they weren’t able to build an impenetrable phone, they should compensate all those they let down.
During a golf retreat with Apple’s Chief Financial Officer, the confidential source indicated that their management team was pushed to such a generous donation decision by the amount of support they received from their customers during Apple’s fight with the FBI over access to the San Bernardino attacker’s phone. Millions protested in the streets with signs saying, “Thank you Apple”, “Secure phones, Save lives”, and “Don’t break our phones”.
Apple was touched by the support they received and decided they needed to continue fighting for their people. After the FBI announced they found a way to hack into iPhones without Apple’s help, Apple felt they had let their customers down. Over the past few weeks they’d been brainstorming ways to pay back victims of privacy invasion. When the financial breakdown of the recycled gold came in at a higher amount than expected, Apple knew just what to do.
Apple’s generosity doesn’t stop there. The LEEK’s source also indicated that Apple intended to include Facebook’s elderly community in a smaller portion of the recycled gold donations. He felt absolutely terrible that their privacy was being invaded due to Facebook’s complicated privacy settings. Age discrimination is on the rise and an increasing number of teenagers are refusing to help their parents and grandparents understand Facebook’s endless changes in their privacy settings.
Some people believe that Apple’s generosity will end up as just another publicity stunt to make up for declining sales and lack of innovative new technology. By pledging to protect customer privacy, Apple guarantees customer loyalty and hopes to even attract new customers who feel privacy rights are fading in America.
*SATIRICAL POST WARNING*
Posted by Pivotal Planning Team — www.theleeksatire.com
Follow the LEEK-y awesomeness: