[SATIRE] California Dreamin’ Thanks to Cannabis
SANTA CRUZ, CA — In a startling move, the California Highway Patrol (CHP) is pushing for prescription marijuana use to combat highway aggression. As the roadways become more and more congested in California, road rage has become a common problem. While state specific statistics are hard to come by, nationally 1,500 are killed or injured in road rage incidents every year.
Psychiatrists have a name for the rage that goes behind the speeding, tailgating, aggressive passing, or honking that may affect 7 percent of drivers. Intermittent explosive disorder (IED) is a condition that over 16 million Americans may suffer from over their lifetimes. It seemed little could be done to prevent these violent episodes which sometimes lead to injury or death.
Alaska, Colorado, Oregon, Washington, and the District of Columbia have legalized recreational use of marijuana. California, no longer the most liberal state when it comes to marijuana use, is looking to regain the title with the added bonus of reducing the incidents of road rage. In an unprecedented move, the state of California is looking to make IED a legitimate reason for medical marijuana use. Even more progressive, officers in the California State Highway Patrol will have the authority to write temporary recommendations for medical marijuana use as a treatment for aggressive behavior. CHP Lieutenant William Nye stated “The promise of cannabis has been filling the state coffers and serves as a soothing balm for aggression. If we can reduce road rage through precision targeting, then the CHP has accomplished its mission to make the roadways safer.”
The state of California will evaluate the results of this new endeavor and then consider utilizing marijuana prescriptions as a way to curb a host of violent behavior. California Department of Motor Vehicles, for example, believes cannabis cookies could be a solution to the often mentioned poor service and may even lead to better online reviews. Not to be outdone, the city of San Francisco is considering a one-time cannabis prescription with parking tickets to increase good will. Girl Scouts of America, which found sales increased over 350% outside marijuana dispensaries, also supports this initiative.
Private companies also see great potential in legalized marijuana use to curb bad behavior. Commercial airline companies are considering making cannabis based brownies and candies a menu item as seat sizes get smaller and passenger aggression becomes greater. Some tech sector companies are even considering cannabis based products in lieu of bonuses or pay raises. It is unknown if the federal government will consider cannabis based solutions but some speculate that the U.S. Post Office may be an early adapter if the option becomes available.
*SATIRICAL POST WARNING*
Posted by Pivotal Planning Team — www.theleeksatire.com
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