[SATIRE] CBP Contracts for New Maritime Interdiction Vessel
FREEMONT, CA- U.S. Customs and Border Protection has announced the three finalists for the massive contract for the new Maritime Interdiction vessel (MIV). Sources within the CBP have agreed to share details of the 7.3 billion dollar contract exclusively with the LEEK.
TESLA Model 7
Leading the charge for the new MIV is TESLA. TESLA has released a prototype of the Model 7, an electric amphibious automobile. Thanks to the opening of the TESLA Gigafactory in Nevada the cost of production for Model 7 has dropped dramatically making this vehicle a real contender for the contract. Following a similar design as the new Model 3 which is anticipated to cost $35,000, the Model 7, after modifications for maritime use, is conservatively estimated to cost between $750,000 and $1.2 million per vessel. A major concern is the operation of the hydrogen fuel cells in saltwater. Officials at CBP informed the LEEK that agent safety is forefront in any design of the new MIV.
War Eagle Dual Use Cargo Carrier
The War Eagle Dual Use Cargo Carrier (DUCC) is a worthy runner-up that, unfortunately did not make the finals. While officials at CBP liked the idea of the additional cargo and personnel space (and the free whistles) some voiced concern that the smoke created when the engine catches on fire might give away the location of the craft.
Limited Engagement Ground Oarsman 12
The Limited Engagement Ground Oarsman 12 (LEGO 12), while still in a conceptual phase, has the advantage of an alternative fuel source combined with modularity that quickly allows for the replacing of various components. As a bonus, CBP Officials like the new uniform proposal with this finalist. The clean lines and extra shirt pocket will increase functionality of the marine interdiction agents while the helmet will help reduce concussions, a major concern for all federal agencies since the NFL lawsuit. Bilund, the Danish company behind the LEGO 12, hopes to get a foothold within the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) to become an exclusive provider of equipment and parts. Officials within DHS point out the proprietary system Bilund uses cannot easily be swapped out with non-LEGO 12 parts. Some have voiced concern that, if the contract is awarded to Bilund, the company will be able to raise prices to ridiculous amounts without any competition. CBP officials find this scenario unlikely.
TRIKE-6000
Perhaps the clear front-runner of the three MIV prototypes is the TRIKE 6000. Manufactured by SANDALS, the TRIKE 6000 is the lowest cost of all the competitors at approximately $430,000 per MIV. The Trike can be used on sandy terrain, an advantage to pursuing drug runners onto beaches typically used as offload sites. CBP believes the proprietary propulsion device, known as the Flintstone 6, will be adequate to keep up with most coastal interdiction needs. Officials are also quick to point out that, unlike the TESLA 6 and the LEGO 12, CBP agents will not likely push to make the TRIKE 6000 a take home car. Officials are currently considering a leasing option.
Coast Guard Concerns
Unnamed Officials within the U.S. Coast Guard believe that none of the MIV finalists would perform well outside the relative safety of coastal waters. As of now, the USCG will stick with their TESLA Jet Pack 9s for interdiction needs further away from the coast.
*SATIRICAL POST WARNING*
Posted by Pivotal Planning Team — www.theleeksatire.com
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