[satire] Cellphone Brain Disorder? Someone please call 911!

Published in

Homeland Security

3 min readApr 9, 2016

NEW YORK, NY — Firefighters are all too familiar with emergency responses generated by the concerned citizen who believes that a normal occurrence is a dire crisis necessitating a call to 911. With growing frequency, firefighters are responding to 911 calls of routine conditions that include the following:

Smoke from a chimney

The sound of foghorns on a foggy night

Steam from a radiator

A restful soul taking a nap on a park bench

Many first responders have believed that the ever increasing syndrome of concerned citizens calling in non-emergencies is a result of ignorance or incompetence. Others are quick to point fingers at the ‘If You See Something, Say Something’ campaign for generating public uncertainty and irrationality. However, a scientific explanation has been identified as the culprit to the fading innate gift of common sense. Blame it on cellular telephones.

Over the last twenty years, there has been a tremendous growth in devices using radio-frequency and electromagnetic fields in conjunction with the global development of Wi-Fi. Today, almost everyone has a cell phone which is kept in close proximity to his or her body for all hours of the day. What is not well understood, however, are the adverse biological and neurological effects attributed to proximal radio-frequency exposure associated with these devices.

Research presented last December by an expert polygraph examiner has indicated that radio-frequencies are messing with our brains. Each time the cellular device receives a signal, it sends out an electromagnetic pulse which penetrates the inner ear canal and makes its way up to the frontal lobe taking out dozens of brain cells in its path. Similar to becoming punch drunk, radio-frequency exposure destroys the ability to think and act rationally. Cellphone brain disorder, otherwise known as CBD, compels the concerned citizen to report the maple syrupy smell of fenugreek wafting over New Jersey as a possible chemical attack. It induces the individual watching an internet webcam to phone in the reflection of the sunset on a glass building as a fire blowing out several windows of a high-rise. It forces the neighbor to call 911 for the sounds of a human being having bathroom difficulties in the apartment next door.

However, despite the health risks, the public is not about to give up their cellphones. In fact, they will dive into the path of a speeding train in order to retrieve a phone dropped on the track. Ironically, this is just another symptom of CBD. With the ban of cellphones unlikely, measures to reduce the risk are necessary. Fortunately, the recent research has led to the development of effective prophylactics in the form of stylish aluminum headgear which is slated to hit the runways at fashion week in Bryant Park late this fall. Not only will the public be protected, but first responders will again be available to respond to true emergencies.