[SATIRE] DHS Establishes new Center for Responsible Angry Protests
WASHINGTON — Fed up with recent protests, the Federal Government established a new organization under the Department of Homeland Security to oversee the conduct of protests and the content of protesters signs. The Agency, the Federal Center for Responsible Angry Protests (CRAP) will begin by establishing rules and guidelines for protester’s signs at rallies and gatherings.
“Some of these signs are just downright offensive. While everyone has the freedom to protest, no one should have the right to hurt other people’s feelings.” Rick Deringer, An official at the center, stated. “While some signs are acceptable, others are not. There seems to be a lot of confusion about what should, and shouldn’t, be allowed. Everyone agrees that protests should be peaceful, and so should the signs. The protesters are disingenuous otherwise.”
Protesters will have to get any messaging approved through the agency thirty days in advance of any protest. This is usually the requirement for notifying public officials of intent to protest so it should not be an undue burden on the protesting organization. Understanding the need of an option for more spontaneous protests, some messaging will be approved in advance.
To help deescalate potential tense protest situations such as those seen at recent political rallies, the center will have federal agents trained to defuse potentially tense situations. The agents will use body language, verbal cues, and strategic messaging to make sure protests don’t turn violent. According to Mr. Deringer, “The efforts start before the protests begin and continue until the last protester goes home.”
Officially, CRAP recognizes the solution to hatred and disagreement is repression. It is hoped that by limiting the “licenses for hate” that protests often create, members will move their vitriol outside the public discussion. “They can move their diatribe to the internet with other like-minded individuals. History has shown us that instead of having public conversation we need to repress disagreement and hatred, holding it tight within ourselves until we let go of the hate.” Stated Mr. Deringer.
Offenders that violate the rules set up by the center will receive a warning citation for the first offense, a $50 dollar fine for a second offense, and subject to property seizure for a third or greater offense. The fines will also apply to the parents or legal guardian of protesters under the age of 18.
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Posted by Pivotal Planning Team — www.theleeksatire.com
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