[satire] Headboards recalled as CDC investigates nighttime adult microcephaly at city firehouse
NEW YORK, NY — It was another busy night shift in Engine 11 on the lower east side of the city. The firefighting crew had responded to sixteen emergencies between the hours of 6pm and 4am. Two structural fires, food burning on the stove, multiple gas leaks, and a cardiac arrest at the nearby nursing home left the firefighters weary as the night wore on. The firefighters at Engine 11 were operating on little sleep and took advantage of what mere opportunity they had to get needed rest before the next emergency.
At 6am the tones sounded again. After sliding the poles and pulling on bunker gear, the firefighters were preparing to turn out of quarters. The motor pump operator (MPO) asked if anyone had seen the lieutenant. He didn’t make it downstairs to the apparatus floor with the rest of the crew. “Hit the bells again!” the MPO shouted to the house watchman. But it was to no avail. There was still no sign of the lieutenant.
Fearing that something dreadful had happened to their boss after such a busy night, the firefighters rushed upstairs to the Engine Office. A surprise lay in wait behind the office door. The lieutenant, after catching just two hours of rest, lay trapped with his head between the metal rods of the bunk’s headboard. As his firefighters stood around the bed in shock, the lieutenant looked up and could only explain his situation by stating, ”You know when you go to bed at night and your head shrinks?”
Apparently, this is not the first incidence of nighttime adult microcephaly at a city firehouse. However, most cases have gone unreported under the widely held belief that “what happens in the firehouse, stays in the firehouse.” The cause is yet to be determined. Not to leave any stone unturned, officials at fire department headquarters promptly dispatched exterminators to the firehouse to check for possible pest infestations. An anonymous official stated that there is concern that this may be related to recent mosquito-borne viral diseases, including the Zika virus, despite the fact that there is no confirmed case of Zika acquired within the city. The Center for Disease Control (CDC) has been notified as a precaution.
Until the cause of adult nighttime microcephaly has been identified, the fire department is removing all metal headboards from firehouses as a safety precaution. A recall is also being issued by the headboard manufacturer.
*SATIRICAL POST WARNING*
Posted by Pivotal Planning Team — www.theleeksatire.com
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