[satire] “Miserable Son of a Bitch” Actually Means “Valued Colleague Whom I Respect Greatly” John Boehner Claims
CHEVY CHASE, MD — Former House Speaker John Boehner has now clarified remarks he made on April 27, 2016, regarding presidential hopeful Senator Ted Cruz while speaking at Stanford University. After his description of Senator Cruz as a “miserable son of a bitch” went viral, Mr. Boehner, in an exclusive interview with The LEEK, attempted to set the record straight as to what he meant, explaining that high-level government insiders often have playful nicknames for each other which might seem odd or not understandable to “outsiders.”
As a further example, Mr. Boehner explained that when he described Senator Cruz as “Lucifer in the flesh,” Washington politicos would know this actually really means, “An exemplary leader, with impeccable credentials and an unmatched grasp of domestic and foreign affairs issues, as well as being just a great person to hang around with.” Such wry monikers are nothing new of course, as President George W. Bush famously gave nicknames to many of his closest friends and aides, including often referring to then Vice President Dick Cheney as Mr. Bossypants (later changing it to Not-the-guy-to-go-on-hunting-trips-with-pants or Mr. Not-really-fun-at-parties-pants).
Mr. Boehner compared the misunderstanding to the classic Abbott and Costello Who’s on First comedy routine in which the use of misleading nicknames results in massive confusion and ensuing hilarity. “So, when I say Ted Cruz is a soulless, manipulative, hyper-ambitious cretin who has been a disaster for the Republican Party and certainly would be a laughable choice as our Presidential nominee if it weren’t for the absolute tragedy such a choice represents,” Mr. Boehner told us, “That’s just political shorthand for ‘he has my vote!’”
Additional research has shown there is far more of this insider-speak going on than most of us “outsiders” realize. At a January 19, 2016, speech in which she endorsed Donald Trump for President, former Alaska Governor and Republican Party gadabout, Sarah Palin, proclaimed, “Trump’s candidacy, it has exposed not just that tragic ramifications of that betrayal of the transformation of our country, but too, he has exposed the complicity on both sides of the aisle that has enabled it, okay?” This is clearly a sort of coded message, intended to allow communications with followers while simultaneously confusing the bejesus out of everyone else. When contacted about the quote by The LEEK, Mrs. Palin declined to comment by stating, “I think my words, gosh, just speak for themselves and may I add Donald Trump is, like, the most amazing person ever!” Indeed, a further review of Governor Palin’s speeches and public statements revealed a trove of what seem like incomprehensible and nonsensical gibberish to the uninitiated, but for those on the “inside” who speak the same language, they provide insights on how Palin has become a thought leader in today’s Republican Party.
In another example, on October 20, 2008, while speaking to third graders in Colorado, Palin explained to young Brandon when he asked what the Vice President does, “They’re in charge of the U.S. Senate so if they want to they can really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes that will make life better for Brandon and his family and his classroom.” Pundits quickly jumped on this quote as seemingly yet another example of then Governor Palin’s gross misunderstanding of the fundamentals workings of the federal government, even as she was literally days away from her potential election to the vice presidency herself. Her supporters, however, understood Palin was actually just discussing the new and innovative methods by which she would govern. Consider just how effective a greater degree of leadership on the part of the Executive in influencing the daily workings of the Legislative branch would be, especially at the very highest levels. Had Palin just come out and stated ‘Constitution, schmonstitution’ it would’ve likely raised alarm bells, but by speaking in these coded phrases, politicians can reassure their closest supporters of their beliefs and intended actions, no matter how whack-a-doodle they may seem to everyone else.
*SATIRICAL POST WARNING*
Posted by Pivotal Planning Team — www.theleeksatire.com
Follow the LEEK-y awesomeness:
Twitter: https://twitter.com/PivotalPlan
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PivotalPlan/
Pinterest: www.Pinterest.com/pivotalplanning
