[Satire] Panama Papers Versus Snowden Leaks; and the Winner is……. You!
REYKJAVIK, ICELAND — The fallout from the Panama Papers keeps getting worse. The leak of 11.5 million documents, already responsible for ending the political career of the Prime Minister of Iceland, implicates over 140 politicians from more than 50 countries. As reported earlier in the investigative journal The LEEK, famed whistle-blower Edward Snowden claimed the release of the papers was insignificant compared to the National Security secrets he was responsible for divulging.
However, attorney Phil Fleats, of the law firm Fleats & Howell, believes otherwise. On Monday, Mr. Fleats filed a class action lawsuit against the federal government on behalf of all taxpayers who provided funding to the Intelligence Community from 2001 to 2013. The lawsuit, which already has approximately 1.3 million plaintiffs, claims taxpayer dollars spent on the Intelligence Community were wasted and the American public deceived. “Snowden was the biggest leaker of National Security secrets in U.S. history. He revealed the NSA was collecting information on Americans. Big deal, why should Americans have to pay taxes for that,” Mr. Fleats explained. Snowden’s documents outlined how the Federal Government monitors network user activity, breaks encryption, and spies on foreign countries and world leaders. Yet, after Snowden’s release of 1.7 million documents, no foreign leaders stepped down. According to Mr. Fleats, “Not one world leader received so much as a black eye from our so-called National Secrets.” Supporting this argument, the federal government still hasn’t been able to provide a comprehensive damage report from the Snowden leaks. Plaintiffs of the lawsuit point out the most significant result of Snowden’s revelations was that select CIA operatives had to be relocated, on the taxpayer dollar.
“Americans spend 50 billion tax dollars annually on the Intelligence Community, and that’s just what we know about. Our argument is simple, taxpayer money is being wasted,” stated Mr. Fleats in a press release on Monday. “The release of the Panama Papers sent fear through the Russian Leader and caused the Icelandic Prime Minister to resign. Why didn’t the United States have this kind of information?” Mr. Fleats also points out that even the information leaked from Ashley Madison, a commercial website enabling extramarital affairs, was more impactful than the “crown jewels” of the United States. “Some marriages were ruined and some government officials were likely given time off, with pay, for using their government websites to set up accounts on Ashley Madison. At least it had some impact.”
The Snowden leaks indicate just how ineffective our Intelligence Community has been. Mr. Fleats points out, “The defendants hid behind a veil of secrecy, misleading the American public into believing that the billions of dollars spent on National Security was of the utmost importance. We were told Intelligence Community efforts protected the United States and gave our country an advantage over other countries. The information seems to suggest otherwise.” Also of note the lawsuit alleges that billions of dollars were wasted trying to protect the secrets leaked by Snowden. The class action lawsuit is open to taxpayers between 2001 and 2013. Settlements range between $1,200 to $32,000, depending on how much a plaintiff paid in taxes.
Mr. Fleats law firm, a subsidiary of the law firm Mossack Fonseca, is excited for the opportunity to represent the American public. The firm is working with the IRS to automatically identify and enroll eligible persons into the lawsuit. However, the IRS appears to be resisting the efforts and sources claim they may have accidentally erased the hard drives that contained the taxpayer records during the period in question. And yes, even Edward Snowden would be eligible for a settlement through this lawsuit.
*SATIRICAL POST WARNING*
Posted by Pivotal Planning Team — www.theleeksatire.com
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