[SATIRE] Putin to U.S., “You’re Right, I’m a Jerk”
WASHINGTON — High-fives and good games were plentiful at the U.S. Department of State today. The pressure exerted on Russia by the United States appears to finally be paying off. During Russian President Vladimir Putin’s annual marathon call-in show earlier today, Putin admitted that he was acting “like a jerk” and the U.S. is the “good guy”. Putin demanded a reassessment of Russian foreign policy and a strategic pause to consider how the country can better work with America. He finished the conversation by stating that America can be his wing-man anytime.
In the midst of the genuine cheers, innocent smiles, and cash bonus awards for members of the Department of State, it was easy to forget the latest infractions by the Russian military. On Tuesday an unarmed Russian jet flew within 30 feet of the USS Donald Cook in international waters and on Thursday a Russian fighter jet flew within dangerous proximity to a U.S. surveillance plane. This was just the latest of a long line of Russian military provocations against the west punctuated by Russia’s muddying involvement in Syria, Crimea, South Ossetia, and Russian-created tension with our NATO partners.
“Since these provocations began we have used every element of our national power; diplomatic, informational, military, and economic. It is finally paying off.” An unnamed senior government official stated. “Getting Putin to admit he was behaving irrationally and he has an ego problem is the first step to better relations. His ego was writing checks he can’t cash.”
According to the Department of State, “Russia is really a bunch of cowboys. Putin is everyone’s problem. Every time he sends jets up there they are unsafe. We dislike Putin because he is dangerous.” It appears the successful expression of outrage at this latest provocation was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The U.S. conveyed the outrage with the term “unsafe” but quickly escalated with the term “unprofessional” and culminated with the power adverb “aggressive”. These terms used together, “unsafe and unprofessional aggressive maneuvers,” seemed to be the winning combination that finally broke the will and strength of the Russian President.
While the cheers may have been loudest in the White House, officials realize they still have a long way to go with U.S. foreign relations. Military and State Department leaders are optimistic they can get China’s President Xi Jinping to admit he is a bully, North Korean President Kim Jong-un to admit that he is a cry-baby, and Syrian President Baashar Al-Assad to admit that he runs like a girl. (Not, U.S. officials are quick to point out, that running like a girl is a bad thing.)
SATIRICAL POST WARNING*
Posted by Pivotal Planning Team — www.theleeksatire.com
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