[satire] Trump Initiates Hostile Takeover of Fiorina for VP
FRENCH LICK, IN — Donald Trump, the Republican Party’s presumptive presidential nominee, announced yesterday his intention to acquire Carly Fiorina as his running mate in a hostile takeover bid from from party rival, Senator Ted Cruz. “I’m pretty sure I like what I’ve been told she stands for,” Trump remarked in a press conference, adding, “Plus she’s not bad looking for her age.” Mr. Trump went on to add, “I mean, who wouldn’t want a hottie like Katy Perry at a cabinet meeting? But I’m all about diversity and so needed a serious chick with serious smarts who knows about all the stuff going on around the country. Jenny McCarthy wasn’t available, so we went with Carly. She’ll be great! She’s a winner, unless you’re an HP shareholder, and I’m a big winner, so it’ll be great!” When reached for comment, the former chairwoman of Hewlett-Packard said, “Oh, God,” before becoming physically ill.
Jeff Roe, Ted Cruz’s campaign manager, later issued a statement stating that if Trump was able to successfully acquire Fiorina, they would name Melania Trump, Donald Trump’s wife, as Senator Cruz’s new running mate. Mr. Roe also denied a widely-circulated rumor of a possible poison pill defense the Cruz campaign was considering which involved preemptively naming Ivana Trump, Donald’s Trump first wife, as their Secretary of Defense nominee in a belief she would also have to be acquired in any takeover attempt.
UPDATE. The Trump campaign announced an end to the Fiorina takeover bid early today, stating that polling indicates voters would actually prefer to have Donald Trump serve as his own running mate. The campaign press release states, “Who is better qualified to be vice-president than the president? Nobody. And [sic] since Donald Trump is the best candidate running, why should the American voters have to settle for a lesser qualified back-up? Plus, Mr. Trump has agreed to forgo the Vice President’s salary, which saves, like, millions a year, right?” While many presidents have relied on their vice president for guidance and insight when making tough decisions, Trump is known to take advice from only one person: Donald Trump, so this strategy allow a President Trump to always have ready advice from someone he trusts implicitly. The LEEK reached out to Republican National Committee chair Reince Priebus, who stated, “Trump did what? Are you serious?” After being assured it was not a joke, Mr. Priebus commented, “Sure. Why not? Let’s see just how far down this elevator goes, shall we? Makes Palin and Cruz seem kind of reasonable now, right? ” When asked to expand on these remark, Mr. Priebus disconnected the call. Attempts to recontact him were unsuccessful.
UPDATE TO THE UPDATE. Jeff Roe has refused to confirm Donald Trump is now also considering serving as members of his own cabinet, such as Secretary of Defense or State. While not specifically denying such plans are being discussed, Mr. Roe compared the leadership styles of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, from Star Trek: The Next Generation television series, with that of Captain James Kirk from the original Star Trek show, stating, “Both were commander of the USS Enterprise, right, but that candy-ass Picard was Captain Consensus, always getting everyone’s opinion on everything before he had to do something. He even had a Ship’s Counselor, whatever the hell that’s about?! But you never saw Captain Kirk polling everyone on the bridge before firing phasers at the Klingons or kicking some Romulan tail! Kirk, just like Donald Trump, is the kind of guy that puts the man back in commander and that’s what this country needs today.”
Donald Trump, in a tweet that was later deleted, recently asked his followers, “How many people do ya need in a cabinet anyway? 15 is ridiculous! I can do it with 6 max! Talk about smaller government! #LessIsMore” This idea is not new as then Texas Governor Rick Perry, while himself campaigning for President, advocated eliminating the federal Departments of Commerce, Education and, uh, oops, I forget.
Patrick Stewart and William Shatner could not be reached for comment for this story.
*SATIRICAL POST WARNING*
Posted by Pivotal Planning Team — www.theleeksatire.com
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Originally published at medium.com.
