[satire] United States Declares Cyber War on ISIS — Finally

WASHINGTON D.C. — Defense Secretary Ash Carter announced that the U.S. Cyber Command has been given its first “war time assignment” — attacking and disrupting ISIS cyber infrastructure. “We are dropping cyber bombs,” said Deputy Defense Secretary Robert Work. “We have never done that before.”

Since its creation in 2009, US Cyber Command has focused its efforts mostly on hostile nation states like Iran, Russia, China and North Korea. But now, the US military’s Cyber Command will now run its own aggressive operations as part of the War on Terror.

The goal is to disrupt ISIS’s ability to spread its message by giving new recruits completely different messages. Instead of receiving messages from ISIS commanders about the glory of martyrdom, those messages may be intercepted and new ISIS recruits be re-directed to porn sites by US Cyber Command for their unlimited viewing and for free.

For young foreign female ISIS recruits, the plan is to remind them of the lives they could have had in the West by flooding them with video clips of the Real Housewives franchise on Bravo TV. The message being — “There is never going to be a television show called the Real Widows of ISIS Fighters. It’s best to return to the West and look for opportunities to be a real housewife.” At least then, these young female recruits can be backstabbing and catty to one another without the fear of beheading or stoning to death.

In addition to using propaganda war tactics above, one of the new strategies is also to disrupt ISIS finances. Cyber attacks can be used to interrupt wire transfers or misdirect payments to their fighters. It has been reported that ISIS fighters are disgruntled and have been deserting due to low wages or no wages at all, making it even more difficult for their commanders to have the necessary funds to pay them may prove to be very effective. If you think it’s difficult to keep up with the Kardashians and whom they are dating, try being an ISIS commander and keeping up with balancing their financial accounts by the time US Cyber Command is done dropping these “cyber bombs”.

ISIS has been known to modify popular Western video games like the Grand Theft Auto franchise to Grand Theft Auto: Salil al-Salwarem (Clang of Swords) as a violent recruitment tool for potential fighters. Instead of carjacking and the usual mayhem in the original Grand Theft Auto, the ISIS version boasts detonating road side car bombs and executing Iraqi police officers.

U.S. Cyber Command intends to co-opt the co-opters by turning ISIS latest video games into cooking competitions on the Food Network. Who may make the best kabobs in the most desolate and impoverished areas of Syria and Iraq will be what potential recruits get when they visited ISIS recruitment websites.

Some critics are skeptical of the Obama Administration’s belated effort to fight the war against ISIS on all fronts. They charge that the administration’s recent public announcements will only drive ISIS to use different communication tools by which they cannot be tracked, i.e., the new iPhone and iOS. Meanwhile, Silicon Valley rejoices as they anticipate higher revenues as ISIS move to purchase more sophisticated devices and soft-wares with higher level of encryption at the wake of these announcements. Shares of Apple and Facebook, who owns the end-to-end encrypted chat platform WhatsApp, rose by 6% in the last three days.

*SATIRICAL POST WARNING*

Posted by Pivotal Planning Team — www.theleeksatire.com

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