Seducing the Cascadia Subduction Zone with Sirens- A New Approach in Homeland Security
SEASIDE, OR — Torquil “Toker” Butters-Brown III, owner of The Coven School for Sirens on the Pacific coast, has proposed an innovative way to deal with the earthquake and tsunami threat posed by the Cascadia Subduction Zone. The zone is the line on the ocean floor where the Juan de Fuca and North American tectonic plates meet and stretches from Vancouver Island to Cape Mendocino, California. In the last fifty years, intensive scientific research has identified the zone as the source for future tremendous earthquake and tsunami. The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) estimates that 17,000 people could be killed. A thirty foot wall of water is projected to hit Seattle, Tacoma, Portland and Eugene, affecting transportation, water and sewer infrastructure and the power grid for years. FEMA and the scientists cite the lack of area preparation as a factor in the resiliency of the area.
Butters-Brown is confident that he can help the homeland security effort. His research shows that earthquakes and tsunamis are caused by the Greek god Poseidon when he strikes his trident on the earth or the ocean floor. In Greek mythology, Poseidon was of quick temper and a well-known seducer of women. Butters-Brown runs The Coven School for Sirens in Seaside, OR at the heart of the inundation zone, training beautiful women in the role of ancient Greek Sirens, the creatures who wooed sailors to their death on rocky shores with haunting songs. Butters-Brown’s Sirens, however, will lull Poseidon into a peaceful existence and prevent him from causing the the disaster.
Son of Mayflower descendant Bartholomew Butters-Brown, Toker grew up in prestigious Darien, CT, attending Choate Rosemary Hall and Brown University. At Brown, he read mythological studies and believes that Greek myths are practical explanations for historical happenings-especially natural disasters. Butters-Brown left Brown in 2007 after arguing with professors who refused to support his beliefs — they stressed the mythology of the stories. A spokesperson from Brown told The LEEK he was actually dismissed for failing grades, despite his parents donation of a dormitory.
Butters-Brown founded his first Homeland Security academy “Aphrodite’s Angels” in Providence, Rhode Island, shortly after leaving Brown. Readers may remember that Aphrodite was the goddess of pleasure, joy, beauty, love and procreation and had an affair with Poseidon. Butters-Brown’s academy recruited fifty young, beautiful American women for the first class. The six month scholastic regimen included intensive dance and water ballet workouts and choral training-all at a full-time campus. The girls spent weekend nights practicing their skills on mortal men via excursions to the “Foxy Lady” and “Cheaters”. During the week, there were also talent nights for additional practice. Narragansett Bay in Rhode Island is subject to hurricanes and tidal surges that can inundate the downtown Providence and surrounding communities. Butters-Brown produced several local area demonstrations of the girls’ prowess and patriotism in preventing disastrous flooding.
In 2009, Rhode Island Governor Don Carcieri closed a loophole in state law that had previously allowed legal prostitution in Rhode Island-as long as it was indoors. A few months later, after a raid by Providence Police, Butters-Brown was forced to close the school. The LEEK caught up with former student, Candie Cheeks, now employed as an exotic dancer. She credits Butters-Brown with teaching her the skills to conquer natural elements. In the future, Cheeks hopes to meet a Greek or Roman god and prove that she’s got what it takes to tame him and protect the nation.
From Providence, Butters-Brown moved to Nevada, working briefly with “Hookers for Hilary”. He told The LEEK; “I found the girls there unwilling to submit to the gods in the name of Homeland Security, they were too focused on their own needs. It was very Las Vegas!”
In 2011, Butters-Brown settled on the Cascadia Subduction Zone. He states that he was attracted by the megathrust fault, the presence of active volcanoes and the tsunami risk. He recruited girls and set up a school in Seaside, Oregon at the heart of the inundation zone-an area that will be severely affected by tsunami flooding in the event of a strong earthquake. Daily, dressed in sparkling red, white and blue bikinis, the girls practice dancing and singing on the beach to appease Poseidon.
Butters-Brown points to the absence of a major earthquake since his arrival as proof of his success of The Coven School for Sirens. If an earthquake strikes, however, Butters-Brown plans to strategically place the girls on the shoreline, singing and undulating. To be tactical, the girls remain in patriotic show girl outfits at all times while assigned to the academy. As with the school in Rhode Island, Butters-Brown insists his patriots practice on mere mortals at “The Golden Banana”, a local establishment. Despite a few raids by the local police, Butters-Brown feels his school is a success and hopes to set up others to protect the zone in the very near future.
*SATIRICAL POST WARNING*
Posted by Pivotal Planning Team — www.theleeksatire.com
Follow the LEEK-y awesomeness:
Twitter: https://twitter.com/PivotalPlan
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PivotalPlan/
Pinterest: www.Pinterest.com/pivotalplanning
