Suicide Squad (2016) — Sexy Psychopaths, Lame Super-Villains, and a Homeland Security Cluster-Dud
Homeys on Film: Homeland Security Lessons From Bad Movies presents… Suicide Squad (2016)
A big, sloppy, semi-coherent, semi-glorious mess of an ensemble superhero film, Suicide Squad aims for the swagger and snark of Marvel Studios’ Guardians of the Galaxy, but neglects one essential detail — your half-a-billion-dollar movie (if you include promotional costs) isn’t going to soar without a halfway-decent script. Somehow, despite Suicide Squad having been in development since early 2009, the producers didn’t manage to hire a writer until September, 2014, more than five years later — then gave him just six weeks to crank out the script. Dudes, it shows.
Since Suicide Squad is, at its (mercenary) heart, a homeland security movie — the plot McGuffin is that a super-secret government agency, headed by stone-cold Amanda Waller, decides to recruit a special-ops team of incarcerated super-villains to do the necessary-but-dirty-and-preferably-deniable work of rubbing out super-menaces to the homeland — its plot holes and characters’ inexplicably dumb choices provide several negative lessons for homeland security professionals.
Let’s take a look.
(For those of you who haven’t seen Suicide Squad and don’t mind copious spoilers, click on this link for a full synopsis.)
Homeland Security Lesson #1: Try not to pick a weapon that will obviously blow up in your face.
Amanda Waller sure can pick ’em. Her number one recruit for her special-ops villain squad, the Enchantress, an ancient goddess with the power to instantly transform nearly all the inhabitants of Midway City into deranged mutants with full-body psoriasis and bad morning-breath, takes all of, oh, thirty seconds to escape Waller’s control and… transform nearly all the inhabitants of Midway City into deranged mutants with full-body psoriasis and bad morning-breath. Couldn’t have seen that coming, could you’ve?
I’m sure Waller’s travails with the Enchantress are well appreciated by those federal agents who think offering immunity to a drug kingpin in exchange for his turning on his fellows is a giant win… until the second it isn’t, and the bodies are piling up…
Homeland Security Lesson #2: Never bring a knife to a gunfight.
Let’s ponder this. Amanda Waller came up with the idea to found her Task Force X after watching Superman’s powers level much of Metropolis. Waller decides the homeland needs a defense against Superman-level threats. Task Force X’s first big test against a metahuman threat? Bringing the rogue Enchantress to heel (and she has the power to instantly transform nearly all the inhabitants of Midway City into deranged… yadda-yadda-yadda). So, out of all the available super-villains locked up in the federal pen, who does Waller pick? Katana, with all the awesome might of that set of Ginsu knives you used to be able to buy on TV for the incredible price of just $19.95? (But wait — order right now and we’ll throw in this amazing apple peeler!) Captain Boomerang, who comes armed with the equivalent of a bunch of hand-grenades — only his can fly back to his hand after he throws them (and that’s a good thing?)? Slipknot — a guy whose “super-power” is he’s really good at rappelling up walls?
And then, of course, there’s Harley Quinn, ex-psychiatrist, driven nutso by the Joker and lovin’ him for it. Yes, she looks terrific as all get-out with her saucy little pig-tails, dressed in that skimpy “Daddy’s Little Monster” shirt and those disco-era hot pants, and yes, she is pretty much the best thing about Suicide Squad, monopolizing audience’s attentions whenever she is on screen. But really… aside from making wisecracks and improving the scenery, what can she do? Sending her up against the Enchantress is like trying to bail out the sinking Titanic with a sippy-cup. With a hole in the bottom. In what universe does a supposedly sharp operator like Amanda Waller, a master of the deep state, battle-scarred veteran of a thousand bureaucratic struggles, make a decision like this???
In the DC Extended Universe, apparently.
Homeland Security Lesson #3: If you’re expecting your subordinates to risk life and limb, you’d better have fostered an institutional culture of duty, self-sacrifice, and intense group loyalty.
Numerous studies of the behavior of soldiers and Marines in wartime have indicated that what drives individual soldiers to fight, rather than flee, is their intense desire to not shame themselves in front of their fellow soldiers and to not let their teammates down. In recent decades, virtually all Medals of Honor have been granted to members of the military who sacrificed their own lives or bodily integrity in order to come to the aid of wounded or endangered comrades. Military commanders have known for hundreds of years that the most effective method to create a well-operating unit is to continuously emphasize traditions of honor, duty, and self-sacrifice. Commanders of fire-fighting brigades and specialized police units tend to follow the same philosophy.
So for me the most egregiously unbelievable aspect of the Suicide Squad script is the tissue-paper-thin “come to Jesus” scene wherein a bunch of selfish, amoral, sociopathic super-villain scumbags decide in all of two minutes to become self-sacrificing heroes. (Mild Spoiler Warning) Here’s the scenario: our surviving protagonists have just learned they’ve been sold down the river by Amanda Waller, deployed as sacrificial lambs to cover up her godawful screw-up with the Enchantress. Their tactical leader, feeling ashamed of himself and his government, has let them loose from their commitment, which looks hopeless, in any case (they’ve just spent the last twenty minutes battling an endless army of deranged mutants with full-body psoriasis and bad morning-breath, and they haven’t even come within spitting distance of the Enchantress and her even-badder big brother the Incubus yet). They’re all free to take off and leave Midway City to its fate. What do they owe Midway City? Nothing. Was it their fault its citizens got stuck with psoriasis and morning breath? Nope.
So what do the screenwriters ask us to gobble down? Psycho-girl Harley Quinn makes a thirty-second speech along the lines of “hey, guys, this experience has bonded us all into some kinda tight-knit family, for sure, hasn’t it? And families don’t walk out on each other, do they, huh, huh?” And all these amoral, money-worshipping, self-centered badasses immediately run her little speech up the flagpole and salute it. Because psycho-girl said it.
Really???
I don’t buy it. Homeland security professionals, don’t expect a last-minute speech about duty, motherland, and the milk of human kindness to psychologically transform your team from a bunch of disassociated malcontents into a well-coordinated, motivated, self-sacrificing team of heroes. You’ve got to set the groundwork for that from the very beginning. (Unless you’re Doctor Strange and can alter the very fabric of the universe by waving your hands… and that, my friends, is a whole different superhero universe, and a whole different Homeys on Film article!)
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