Top Ten Alternative New Mission Statements for DHS

We’ve got some ideas.

DHS has a lot of problems with morale. Secretary Jeh Johnson has done some great outreach to try to lift the embattered agency’s morale. He also just wrote a new mission statement for the Department. We, here at 5 ‘n Dime, are slightly miffed he did not ask our opinions. No worries, that’s never stopped us. So here are a few mission statements to raise morale we think he overlooked.

10. We are one DHS and have unity of effort, but nothing here shall be construed to affect or impede the authority of the Secret Service under 18 U.S.C. § 3056.

9. At least we haven’t moved to St. Elizabeth’s yet.

8. DHS: We really don’t know which of the 120 Congressional groups that oversee us we should bother listening to.

7. At least no employee has called for a race war since 2013.

6. We cracked the top 20 of best places to work!*

5. We have not been caught sleeping with any prostitutes since 2012.

4. Whoops.

3. We are so vigilant, that we even suspect your ten-year-old child is a terrorist.

2. DHS: Repurposing FBI material since 2003.

1. DHS: Even our components aren’t sure who the other components are.

*Out of 19

What do you think, loyal reader? What should be DHS’s new mission statement?


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